


Hearts and Fools

by Kylo_Rens_Slashed_Face (gorgonbunny)



Series: Give Me Your Eyes, I'll Give You My Heart [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Ben/Poe is in the past, Blood, Canonical Character Death, Choking, Force-Sensitive Hux, Graphic descriptions, Knives, Kylux - Freeform, Light Bondage, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Nightmares, Non-Canonical Character Death, Oral Sex, Poe Dameron Force-ghost, Self-Flagellation, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stabbing, Strangulation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Surgery, removed hearts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-08-11 16:34:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7899937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gorgonbunny/pseuds/Kylo_Rens_Slashed_Face
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>--One day, about seven months after Kylo Ren left to complete his training, Armitage Hux is on the bridge of the Finalizer when a scorching pain shoots through his chest with the force of a blaster bolt. Kylo. He knows something has happened to Kylo. He races to his room, grabs the box on his bedside stand. Kylo’s heart. It's stopped--</p><p>Kylo Ren is sent to an ancient Sith planet to complete his training but finds himself tormented by a ghost from his past.<br/>Armitage Hux, fearing that Kylo is injured, or worse, and given a disturbing assignment by Supreme Leader Snoke, seeks Kylo out.<br/>They face a test of love and loyalty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hearts of Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day, about seven months after Kylo Ren left to complete his training, Armitage Hux is on the bridge of the Finalizer when a scorching pain shoots through his chest with the force of a blaster bolt. Kylo. He knows something has happened to Kylo. He races to his room, grabs the box on his bedside stand. Kylo’s heart. It's stopped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuing series that I never intended to have more than one entry, but here we are.  
> It's not necessary to have read the rest of the series. But, here are some things to know so that it isn't too confusing: Hux is Force-sensitive because Kylo gave him kyber crystal eyes. Kylo also gave Hux his heart, which he had preserved in clear carbonite and keeps in a box. 
> 
> Chapter Warnings: There are mentions of (non-canonical) character death, and Hux has Kylo's heart in a box. But there are really no other warnings for this chapter. There will be warnings for following chapters and I will put the warnings in the chapter notes and update tags as needed.

 

* * *

 

 

“Why did he call you Ben?”

“He may have thought I was someone he knew.”

Armitage suspected that Kylo hadn’t quite told him the truth about Ben Solo. Kylo had told him that Ben Solo was an apprentice Jedi and that he had killed him the night he and the Knights of Ren destroyed the New Jedi Temple.

“Did you know him?” Armitage asked.

“I knew that he was the top pilot in the Resistance.”

“You’re dodging my question. Did you know him before we captured him on Jakku?”

Kylo looked away. “Not as such, no,” 

“What does that mean? Either you knew him or you didn’t.”

“He knew someone named Ben Solo, but that person is dead.” 

“And that person was you?” Armitage asked.

“From a certain point of view,” Kylo said with forced detachment.

“Why do you have to be so cryptic about everything? It was a simple question.” 

“Because it’s not as simple as ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”

“How well did he know Ben Solo?” 

Kylo gave him a reticent look, pressing his lips together, either in thought or defiance.

“You know what I mean,” Armitage said, “The way you were looking at him, touching him. Did you--did Ben--love him?”

“Ben Solo was young and foolish, and didn’t know what he felt, he mistook physicality for love,” Kylo said. 

Armitage could see the Dark behind his eyes. Pain and sadness.

“Do you hate me?” Armitage asked.

“What?! I love you more than anything!”

“Do you hate that you had to kill him? Did you do it just because you love me, and just because I asked you to?”

“I did it because you asked and because I love you, I have no other feelings about it.”

“You didn’t enjoy it, though?”

“I enjoyed it.”

“Is that why you wanted to do it in there,” Armitage pointed to the meditation chamber, “because you knew you couldn’t do it otherwise?”

Kylo stared at him.

“Because you needed the Dark to go through with it? When we connected in there, was I connecting with you, or like a weird, perverse amalgamation of all your trophies?”

Kylo stared at him.

“It’s not a hard question, Kylo.”

“It is a hard question, General. The Force isn’t Black and White, contrary to common misconceptions. Yes, you were connecting with me, and, yes, we were also communing with the collective Darkness in the room. It enhanced the experience.”

Armitage did have to admit that killing the pilot had given him a more intense rush than anything he’d ever felt before. But Kylo was still avoiding the question regarding his feelings toward the man they had slain.

“What did you do with him, afterward?” Armitage asked.

“I had him incinerated.”

“But you kept his ashes.”

“I keep all their ashes.”

“For this collective Darkness thing?”

“Yes.”

“And no other reason?”

A pause. “No.”

Kylo was going to be leaving in less than 24 hours and Armitage had wanted to enjoy the last little bit of time they had together, but Kylo was making that extremely difficult right at this moment.

Armitage paused to consider, it was he himself that was making it difficult. He had inadvertently forced Kylo to kill a previous lover. Now, he was forcing Kylo to profess that love, even as Kylo dismissed it as youthful, naive wantonness, and not love at all. It must have been hard to look him in the eyes, hold him down while those eyes were carved out, then stab him in the heart all while remembering their past intimacy, even if it had been young and foolish. Armitage didn’t doubt that he himself would have needed more than a little Darkness to do something like that.

“I didn’t know that you knew him,” Armitage said.

“I didn’t know him,” Kylo said, his expression impassive, but Armitage sensed the anger rising in him. He tried not to reciprocate that anger.

“Okay, fine. But, please understand that I didn’t do it as a test for you to prove your love for me,” Armitage said.

Kylo stared at him.

_Shit, this is not going well_ , Armitage thought. He should have never brought it up. Kylo had seemed perfectly content to kill the pilot and never bring up that he may have, from a certain point of view, been a past lover. Maybe, from Kylo’s point of view, he hadn’t. Maybe he separated himself so far from Ben Solo that he didn't even consider them to be the same person.

“I didn’t even know that you were Ben Solo.”

“Can we stop talking about Ben Solo?” Kylo snapped, flinging his arm around in an attempt to find something to throw. The chronometer flew from the bedside stand across the room, shattering against the wall. But that didn't have as dramatic an effect as he desired, so he turned to glare at the two ornate boxes sitting on the bedside stand. He stretched his arm towards them, but Armitage seized him from behind, holding both his arms firmly folded against Kylo's chest. The Force crackled sharply between them.

“Don’t you dare!” Armitage said as calmly as he could. Kylo was a reckless fool sometimes, quite often, really, and he wasn't always the easiest person to live with. Being patient with him required a diligence that was sometimes very exhausting. Like now.

Kylo breathed heavily but didn't try to break Armitage’s grasp.

“I don’t know what destroying your own heart would accomplish besides hurting both of us. Now, please, just calm down,” Armitage said. Kylo stilled but Armitage felt his anger.

“I’m sorry,” Kylo said, looking down.

Armitage loosened his grip slightly. “It’s okay.”

After a minute, Kylo said, still looking down, “I think I need to be alone for a while.”

Armitage didn't let him go--as if he could actually hold him still if Kylo didn’t want him to.

“I promise I won’t break anything.”

 

\----------

 

Kylo left soon after that. They said their apologies and kissed each other farewell, giving some semblance of amends, but it felt forced and shallow. Neither of them wanted to part with negative emotions towards the other, yet both were too upset to put forth more than the barest effort.

He noticed that night when he went back to their once shared quarters, now just his alone, that the box containing the pilot’s heart was missing. He knew Kylo had either taken it or destroyed it, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be angry at that point. He held Kylo’s heart that night, feeling it thump through The Force. Armitage loved that feeling. He communicated to Kylo how much he loved him and would miss him. He didn’t mention the pilot’s missing heart.

While they were apart, he sensed Kylo through the Force with the aid of Kylo’s heart. Their messages were ones that might typically be found on sappy, sentimental greeting-holos.

_Miss You._

_Love you._

_I wish I could be with you._

_I wish I could hold you._

_Let’s never fight again._

_It was my fault._

_No, it was mine._

_Miss you._

_Love you._

Then, after about seven months, their bond got getting tense and stressed, and Armitage assumed it was from his intense training.

The last Armitage saw of Kylo was a holo-message he sent. Armitage didn't even get to talk to him. Kylo sent a recorded message stating that he was heading to a system called Ashas Ree in the Outer Rim and that he wouldn’t be able to contact him again for a few weeks. The message ended abruptly without even a 'goodbye'. Armitage sent a reply and tried to connect with him through the Force, but Kylo seemed to be shutting him out, so that was it. He hadn’t heard from him since.

Even though he didn't reach out for Kylo directly, the feeling of Kylo’s heart pulsating next to him as he slept alone was comforting. However, he sensed Kylo's growing distress. Feeling helpless, he nudged Kylo through their bond a few times, to check if he was alright, but got no reaction. Either Kylo or some other force sealed off any communication. The thread through which Armitage felt Kylo got dimmer and dimmer. Trusting that Kylo would have alerted him if he was in any danger, Armitage concentrated on his duties. 

 

\-------

 

About three weeks after that last holo-message, Armitage Hux is on the bridge of the _Finalizer_ when a scorching pain shoots through his chest with the force of a blaster bolt.  _Kylo_. He knows something has happened to Kylo. Pushing some officers out of the way who had come over to see if he was injured, he races to his room, grabs the box on his bedside stand. Kylo’s heart. It's stopped.

It's lifeless in his hands, still and quiet in the Force. He shakes it as if that can somehow revive it. Frantically searching the Force, he senses the faint skittering of the people on board, and beyond that only the blackness of space. The thread that connected him to Kylo is gone. 

Carrying the heart in the crook of his arm, he hurries out to find the nearest communications officer. His men move unquestioningly out of the way.

“Have there been any messages from Kylo Ren?” He asks the communications officer.

The officer scans her screen nervously, clearly afraid of giving the answer, “No, General.”

“If we receive any messages regarding Master Ren, any at all, notify me immediately,” Armitage Hux tells the officer.

“Yes, General!”

His thoughts fly in a thousand directions at once, none of them positive or useful. He takes a moment to focus. He doesn't know enough about how the Force works to come to any definite conclusions. He convinces himself that there must be the possibility that the bond could have been severed from some action other than Kylo Ren’s death. Maybe Kylo had been feeling particularly depressed that day and broke it himself. Whatever the situation, he had to find out as soon as possible.

He considers immediately ordering the _Finalizer_ to Ashas Ree but decides it’s probably in his best interest to consult The Supreme Leader first, not for the sake of his rank, but for the sake of keeping his head attached to the rest of him. He sends an urgent message stating that he believes Master Ren to be in dire trouble and requests that the _Finalizer_ be allowed to aid him. He doesn’t expect an immediate response. The Supreme Leader always seemed to have some other agenda that overshadowed the well-being of his inferiors.

He charts the quickest course to Ashas Ree, three days. Too long to be of any immediate help, but he has heard tales of Force-users staying alive for days after what would normally be mortal wounds, through sheer force of will. So three days might be soon enough.

After waiting several minutes, he gives the order to head for Ashas Ree, Snoke, and his own imminent execution, be damned.  Who knows, maybe The Supreme Leader would appreciate that the General took the initiative to aid his most devoted disciple. Probably not, though. If Snoke had wanted General Hux to take the _Finalizer_ to Ashas Ree, he would have given the order himself. At least his crew would be blameless. Snoke wouldn’t be so rash as to destroy the entire crew just for following orders. Would he?

He considers how unpredictable and vindictive Snoke can be. Even though the First Order had spent decades acquiring devoted followers and training troops, Hux somehow feels that Snoke wouldn’t hesitate to scrape the slate clean and start again from scratch. He halts the ship’s course and instead requests a Upsilon-class shuttle with minimal crew be ready for him in the hanger.

He returns to his quarters to grab some supplies, chiefly his blaster and sword. The sword usually wasn’t needed in most confrontations, but could be handy in a pinch. He’d have to ask Kylo about getting him a proper lightsaber. _If Kylo is still alive_ , he reminds himself.

He puts Kylo’s heart back in its box and packs that in its own case. He then gathers a week’s worth of provisions. He tosses a couple of combat knives in as well. He calls for two Stormtroopers to carry what ends up being four cases to the hanger.

They hurriedly make their way down the corridor towards the hanger, stopping at the Medical Bay to fill a fifth case with any useful-looking supplies. While jamming bacta patches and gauze into the case, Hux’s comm beeps: Snoke will see him in the hologram chamber now. Hux tells the Stormtroopers to finish packing the supplies, continue to the shuttle and await him there.

Maybe he should ignore Snoke, just leave in the shuttle. It is easier to disobey orders when you don't know what they are. If Snoke told him to remain on the ship, not seek Kylo out, could he still muster the courage to do it? He feels compelled out of his stubborn sense of duty to turn heel and head for the hologram chamber.

He enters the large, dim chamber. As he approaches the dais in the center of the chamber, Snoke’s giant figure appears.

Before Hux can even voice a greeting, Snoke's booming voice echoes in the chamber, “Halt your current course of action immediately, General, and return to your assignment. Kylo Ren is none your concern. He is undertaking a training task that he must complete alone, and if he manages to get himself injured, then maybe he will have learned the lesson better.”

“Supreme Leader, if I may,” Hux begins, attempting to retain his stoic facade while his mind races at the thought that every minute he is not on that shuttle is a minute too long. He should have never had this meeting. He should have ignored Snoke’s message, gotten on the shuttle, and faced the consequences after he found out what happened to Kylo.

Snoke allows him to speak.

“I believe that Master Ren may be in danger of more than just injury,” Hux says.

“Why do you believe this?” Snoke asks.

Does he dare tell Snoke about his Force bond with Kylo? Surely, Snoke already knows.

“As you may know, I have recently acquired the ability to sense The Force,” Hux says.

“Yes, I know. And because you are an infant in matters of the Force, I forgive your brashness. Allow me to impart some wisdom, General, The Force can be quite deceptive so don't believe all that it tells you,” Snoke says.

Hux shivers. Snoke always made him feel uneasy, but now, with his Force-sensitivity, he could sense Snoke’s oppressive ire like the weight of an ocean crushing him on all sides.  

“Return the _Finalizer_ to your assigned station, please, General,” Snoke says.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux says. “May I make a request?”

Snoke looms over him but says nothing.

Hux continues, “May I send a shuttle to take Kylo Ren any supplies?”

“He needs no supplies,” Snoke says.

“If this training is as difficult as you imply, then he may need some first-aid items,” Hux says.

“I would suspect that if he had any first-aid available to him, he would be even less inclined to avoid injury,” Snoke says.

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux says. He can’t come up with another request that could give him permission to seek out Kylo. He resolves to take the shuttle against Snoke’s orders. He waits for the hologram of Snoke to fade before he would turn to leave. Snoke's hologram doesn’t fade but instead sits in silence, staring at him.

_He knows_ , Hux thinks, _but I don’t care_. Kylo _would do anything for me, and I would do anything for him_.

“Don’t be so foolish as to give up everything, General,” Snoke finally says.

“Of course not, Supreme Leader,” Hux says.

Snoke tents his fingers. “I have a task for you. It’s one that I usually reserve for my pupils who I think are deserving and capable of fulfilling it, ones who I feel have tremendous potential in the Force,” he says.

“Thank you for your confidence in my abilities,” Hux says.

“I’m not giving you this task because I have confidence in your abilities, I am giving it to you so that you may be reined in before you stray too far,” Snoke says with a twisted smile. “Do you know the greatest weakness of the Empire? It wasn’t pride or zealousness, it was an Emperor that put too much blind faith in his apprentice. It wasn’t a rebel army that took down the Empire, or a poorly designed defense system, it was sentimentalism.”

Hux does not like where this is going.

“While I appreciate your passion, I believe that it is somewhat misplaced. You would risk your military career, your own life, and the lives of your crew for one man?”

“Of--of course not, Supreme Leader,” Hux sputters.

“Good," Snoke says, leaning back on his throne. "You are to deliver a message to Kylo Ren on Ashas Ree. You will take a single pilot with you,” Snoke says.

“Yes, Supreme Leader. What is the message?” Hux asks.

“You will order him to kill you.”

 

Hux is momentarily stunned.

“What?” He blurts out without thinking.

“Did you not hear me, General?” Snoke asks.

“I apologize, Supreme Leader, but I am unclear on the assignment. You want Kyo Ren to kill me?” He asks, the dense air in the hologram chamber nearly suffocating him.

“I want you to command him to kill you. Whatever consequences that come of that will be your test,”  Snoke says.

“Y-Yes, Supreme Leader,” he says.

“Very good, General,” Snoke says as his hologram flickers and fades leaving General Hux standing in the dim chamber in a haze of disbelief. He quickly exits the chamber and rushes to the hanger where the prepped shuttle awaits.

What was Snoke’s plan? Was it just to have Kylo Ren kill him for his insubordinate thoughts? And they were only thoughts, he tells himself, he could never disobey the Supreme Leader. He would have somehow found a way to help Kylo without treason.

At least this means that Kylo is still alive. Or maybe Snoke concocted this “training” assignment just to taunt him with a sliver of hope before discovering Kylo’s body in a ditch. That is not a helpful thought. Pushing the unhelpful thoughts aside, he breaks into a sprint.

He is out of breath by the time he enters the hanger. Two Stormtroopers stand outside the shuttle. One of them informs him that his cases have been loaded and the shuttle is ready for take-off. He dismisses them as he darts up the ramp. Two pilots sit ready in the cockpit. He dismisses one of them, then drops into the co-pilot’s seat as the shuttle lifts off.

The shuttle eases smoothly into lightspeed. They can make it to Ashas Ree in two and a half days if they clip a few suns’ orbits, a dangerous maneuver for a Star Destroyer, but the small shuttle should be able to pass that close without danger, provided the pilot is skilled enough.The hypnotic curving of space around them calms Hux down to some degree. Now that the shock has worn off, he wracks his brain to devise a way out of this dilemma that doesn’t involve Kylo or himself having to kill the other.

 

\----

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters will be from Kylo's POV.  
> The next two chapters include warnings for Self-Hatred, Self-Harm, Self-Flagellation, Character Death (Canonical and non-canonical), Suicidal thoughts, Attempted Suicide, and Graphic Imagery  
> As always, thanks for reading.


	2. Fools and Lesser Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stranded alone on a long-abandoned Sith planet, Kylo Ren is confronted by a (literal) ghost from his past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of angst in this chapter. And rain. Lots and lots of rain.
> 
> Warnings for: Self-Hatred, Self-Harm, Self-Flagellation, Blood, Death (Canonical and non-canonical), and Descriptions of Torture and Murder.

 

* * *

 

There seemed to be a thousand years between the lightsaber piercing his chest and him falling into the blazing depths. A thousand years to reflect on regrets and bad decisions, reflect on everything he’s lost because of his own actions, but have no way to change them. Every time anger overtook him, leading to Dark deeds. Every time his raised blade ended an innocent life. Every needless killing that he ordered, then stood and watched in the hopes that by witnessing such pain and suffering his power in the Dark Side would grow.

For what? Did he even have a goal besides pleasing his Master? His Master had promised him something long ago, but, at that moment, he couldn’t remember what it was, his mind so clouded and conflicted by hate and fury, sadness and regret. What would killing his own father gain him? He knew clearly a moment ago, a moment which had stretched into a millennium, now so long ago that he had forgotten.

His father said he would help him, “Anything,” he said. This act was supposed to give him freedom. He repeated over and over in his head the words he has said innumerable times, “The Force will free me”, as the blade of his lightsaber ignited, his heart tearing apart, it was far more painful than he expected. He felt the hole burning in his chest as if he stabbed himself. He embraced the pain, gathering it into a furled rage. _You made me do this, you gave me these emotions that would lead to my downfall, emotions that I must now destroy by destroying you._ He glared into those foolish, forgiving eyes and said, ”Thank you,” as he ripped the saber free, letting his once-father be consumed by the abyss.

It was supposed to break all attachments, remove the possibility of a lapse in willpower, rip out any sentimental inclinations, the same weakness that destroyed his Grandfather, leaving him pure, free.

But, he doesn’t feel pure. It hasn’t freed him. He feels more trapped than before, like heavy chains threaten to pull him into the inferno below. He drops to his knees, weakened instead of strengthened.

A sudden blow to his side knocks him back and he doesn’t attempt to stop himself from falling, too, following his father into oblivion.

\----------------

He wakes, screaming, again. He wishes it would have ended the way the dream always does. Falling into brightness, nothingness, all emotion and sensation evaporating, where he would never have to feel pain or fear, sadness or regret ever again.

He wipes his tear stained face, cursing. Why does he always let his emotions get the better of him? Why can’t he stay strong? He reaches for the leather whip hanging on the wall. He fondles it in the darkness, rolling the three small beads woven into the tip between his fingers. It's thin yet strong, supple yet severe.

He drops from the smooth slab he has been resting on to kneel on the equally smooth floor and removes his shirt. He has not been allowed to bring his Grandfather's mask to this Place, so he tries to summon His presence. Surely, He will come to him in a time of need.

“Show me the Darkness, again, Grandfather. I know I don’t deserve it, but I will try harder, I promise. I won’t fail you. Please, show me.” He swings his arm over his shoulder. The whip strikes his back. Its sting draws a moan. He channels the pain to help him focus. Concentrating his thoughts to his Darkest of deeds, he brings himself back to that fateful moment, metering each methodical lash, reciting,

Darkness gives me Strength.

Strength gives me Power.

Power brings me Victory.

Victorious, my chains are broken.

The Force will free me.

_He confronts his father, again, but this time, he is determined to prevail, purge his pathetic weakness.  He ignores the pleas to come home. That home does not exist, it never did. He doesn’t hesitate to run the foolish old man through with his blade, refusing to feel the burning hole in his heart. He knows he has done well. He prepares for the Darkness to surround and move through him. This is what he's been pursuing all these years. Purity. Freedom._

_But then he feels his father’s last, forgiving touch on his cheek._

Tears run down his face. _No, no, no!_

Not ready to tackle that memory just yet, he wrests a different one from his mind, an act just as heinous.

He starts again.

"Darkness gives me Strength."

_He leans over the pilot, who is held immobile on the table, the pilot’s eyes begging for mercy as he puts increasing pressure on the man’s throat._

_Yes. Fear me. Your fear gives me Strength_

"Strength gives me Power."

_The man should fear him--or hate him--so that he could draw strength from that fear, but he doesn’t fear or hate him, the man pities him, and, worst of all, forgives him._

_No, you must hate me. You must fear me. Your fear gives me Strength._

"Strength gives me Power.

Power brings Victory."

_The pilot speaks to him, “Ben, stop, please.”_

"Power brings Victory." _Kylo squeezes the pilot’s throat as hard as he can, but he won’t shut up._

_“This isn’t you, Ben!” The pilot shouts at him. “You know it isn’t you. You still have Light in you. There is still hope.”_

Kylo roars, animalistic, guttural, thrashing himself as hard as he can until his arm aches. Hurling the whip across the room in frustration, he collapses into a sobbing ball on the floor.

 

“Ben,” he hears a familiar voice, soft and kind. He bolts upright, twisting toward the voice, his bleeding welts biting at the movement. A glowing figure stands near him, but it can’t be, non-Force-users can’t become Force-ghosts.

“Poe?” Kylo mutters, unbelieving.

Poe kneels next to him, putting a hand on his arm, a hand that feels warm and real.

“How?” Kylo shakes his head in an attempt to drive away the vision.

“I don’t know, the Will of the Force, I guess,” Poe shrugs. He smiles that damned alluring smile of his, his eyes shining with life and vibrancy. Kylo remembers why he once loved this man. Even death couldn’t kill his bewitching charm.

“Why are you here?” Kylo inquires.

“I want you to come back, Ben, come back to the Light, back to your family, back to me,” Poe says.

“I can’t.” Kylo lowers his gaze. “I killed you. I killed my father. I can’t come back from that.”

“You can, and, while I can’t speak for everyone, and, no doubt, you will have to face up to your crimes, I forgive you,” Poe says.

“No, you can’t forgive me. I tortured you. I murdered you. I tore your heart from your chest. I did it and I...I don’t regret it.” Kylo bites back a sob.

“I forgive you and I love you.” Poe nudges his shoulder, grinning, “And don’t you ever forget it.”

Poe stands. Kylo wants so badly to reach for him, to beg him to stay, to tell him he’s sorry. He closes his eyes and turns away. After a few silent moments, he opens his eyes. The room is dark and he is alone.

“Wait, Poe! Come back!” Kylo scrambles to his feet, his wounds screaming. Leaning on the slab for support, he tries to focus the throbbing pain into something useful. _No, don’t think of the Light. There is nothing there for me. I must finish what I started. I won’t be tempted by the Light. I am immune to the Light. Darkness gives me Strength . Strength gives me Power. Power brings Victory---_

\---He remembers a time not so long ago, when Ben and Poe were lounging on the grass one evening, Poe taking a rare and well-deserved break from getting the old X-wings in flying condition and Ben getting a bit of respite from his training with his uncle Luke, watching the stars appear in the darkening sky.

“You've probably figured this out by now, but I’m joining the Resistance,” Poe told him.

“You must have a death wish to do something that crazy,” Ben jabbed. “The First Order is too powerful and the Resistance is too small to fight them.”

“I can’t just do nothing,” Poe said.

“We could run away together,” Ben said jokingly, but it wasn’t a joke. If Poe had agreed, Ben would have left everything then and there, his Jedi training, his family, if the two of them could be together and safe on some inconsequential Outer Rim planet.---

 

A presence in the room breaks him out of his memory.

“Poe?” He says before realizing it’s his Master’s presence.

“No,” Snoke admonishes, advancing into the room. The small light droid that accompanied him stops just outside the door, so most of what Kylo can see of him was an ominous silhouette. “I’m disappointed in you, Kylo Ren. I thought you showed more promise than this. But, maybe it’s my own fault for thinking you were strong enough to advance in your training.”

Kylo falls to his knees. “I am strong enough, Supreme Leader.”

“Then prove it to me. You’ve been doing nothing but languish in self-pity. You keep fighting against your potential. You’re letting everything I’ve taught to you go to waste.” Snoke sounds like he’s given up on Kylo.

“Please, give me another chance,” Kylo begs.

“It seems I have no choice, but I am not happy about it.” Snoke approaches Kylo, pulling him up. He’s much taller than Kylo and quite intimidating. Kylo stands as steady as he can.

“I’ve already considered it and I’m altering your training. Perhaps a more direct approach will get faster results,” Snoke says.

“Thank You, Supreme Leader, “ Kylo says, bowing his head.

Snoke puts his hand under Kylo’s chin, tilting his head so that Kylo must look up at him. “As much time and effort as I’ve invested in you, you are still disposable, remember that. I only have so much patience for your stubborn weakness and even though you have a great potential, unless you show improvement, I will have no other choice but to find a new apprentice. I can’t keep coddling you, you know that.” Snoke rubs his fingers on Kylo’s chin as if stroking a pet.

“Yes, Supreme Leader, I understand.” Kylo swallows hard. He veils his fear with a resolute affect, though he knows it's in vain.  

“Excellent,” Snoke smiles, creating a pit in Kylo's stomach. Snoke releases him and paces the small room, stooping for the low ceiling. “You are to go to Ashas Ree, there is an ancient Sith Temple there. Reportedly, some holocrons were left in the Temple. You will find them, and, if you are able, you may open them. They will give you secret Dark Side knowledge that should help you with this pesky little Light Side problem you seem to be having.”

“Supreme Leader, I’m honored.” It truly is an honor to have sacred Dark Side wisdom bestowed directly upon him.

“Now, there is one more thing. I should have punished you for making General Hux Force-sensitive without permission, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe he could put his new talents to good use for the First Order. As he has continued to be beneficial and his new powers don’t seem to be a detriment, performance-wise, I haven’t brought it up until now. You must break your bond with him.” Snoke faces him. Kylo stands stark still as if he can will himself to vanish into the shadows by doing so.

When Kylo doesn’t respond, Snoke elaborates, “While his Force-sensitivity has not affected his performance of his duties, I think your connection to him may be distracting you from your training.”

“I will do as you wish.” Kylo isn’t even sure if he knows how to break a Force bond. He guesses that he will worry about that when he gets to Ashas Ree.

“Yes.” Snoke pauses and puts a cold hand on Kylo's shoulder. “Kylo Ren, you have the most potential I have seen in any Force-sensitive. If you can learn to resist the temptation of the Light Side, learn to dominate it, bend it to your will, you will have valuable tools at your disposal. I have no doubt that you could be more powerful in the Force than any before you. But you must learn to focus.”

“I will,” Kylo says, looking up at his Master like a scolded child.

As he turns to leave, Snoke sighs, as if even he isn’t immune to Kylo’s beseeching gaze, “If you complete your training, and prove yourself worthy enough, then I may allow you to restore the bond. The two of you could accomplish greater things together than apart, if you can both hone your powers.”

“Thank You,” Kylo says, relaxing his posture imperceptibly.

“You will leave immediately, taking with you only your lightsaber. And, until you’ve completed your task on Ashas Ree, you are forbidden from having any outside communication with anyone. You may, however, record a short message for General Hux which I will send it to him after you are en route.” Snoke exits the room, his light droid ushering him down the hall.

It's not until the light from the droid has gone completely that Kylo relaxes considerably more. He sits on the stone slab that he has been using as a bed, holding his head in his hands. He can’t fail again. He can’t.

He’s been excelling in physical training and Force manipulation, but he can’t close his eyes without seeing the faces of his victims, Ben’s father, the pilot, the padawans at the Jedi Temple, or any of the people, many enemies, some not, whose lives he’d cut short. He remembers all their faces and knows all their names. In his meditation room, surrounded by his mementos, he could channel the anger, fear, pain, and suffering through the Dark Side, collect the cumulative energy, forge it into a weapon.

It proved to be useful before battles or missions where he would then wield that weapon. But, he couldn’t hold on to it for longer than several hours, a day at most, and it inevitably unraveled and faded. Snoke told him that compassion was a weakness that prevented him from reaching his full potential. If he could purge himself of compassion, he would not only be able to maintain that concentrated energy but compound and intensify it. These awful memories would become his strength.

He calls for a light droid. Snoke prefers as little lighting in his Fortress as possible, so, aside from computer panels, the only light comes from small light droids that will be required to escort him if he wishes to see where he is going, or, in this case, see what he is doing.

He retrieves the whip from where it landed and hangs it back on its hook, then dresses in his formal attire, wincing as the coarse fabric of his tunic scrapes his marred back. When the light droid arrives, he prepares a holo-message for Armitage Hux, somewhat glad that he doesn’t have to speak to him directly. He doesn't think he could deal with that right now. The message states that he is going to Ashas Ree and won’t be in contact for several weeks, adding that he might temporarily break their Force bond, but not to worry and not to try to contact him, concluding with an ‘I love you’ disguised as  “Take care, General, I will see you again soon”. He sends the message to his Master, only half-expecting him to forward it to General Hux.

He calls his lightsaber to him, clipping it to his belt. He crafted a new saber but hasn’t had the chance to craft a new mask, so his ensemble is as complete as it can be at the moment.

The light droid leads him down the labyrinthine hallways to where a ship waits for him. The hanger bay is as dark as the rest of the Fortress. Snoke’s Fortress is half the size of a Star destroyer, but far less populated. As far as Kylo can tell, there are fewer than twenty living beings residing within, while the remainder of the workers consists of droids, most of which designed for single functions.

The bay doors open as he approaches the ship revealing a breathtaking view of the stars and a planet or moon that the Fortress currently orbits. Kylo doesn’t know the name of the planet, if it has a name, or that they have been orbiting it. Much of the Fortress has no windows, so this is his first time seeing the stars in several months. The magnificent view gives him pause, until the light droid beeps at him impatiently.

Even when they can’t talk, droids can be so annoying.

He boards the ship and takes a seat in the passenger section without addressing the crew, two humanoids, one male, one female--they have a relationship with each other that they think is secret, how quaint.  The ship exits the hanger bay and they enter hyperspace while Kylo troubles over how he is going to sever his bond with Armitage.

The only way he can think of would be to destroy his heart, which could very well kill him, or otherwise remove it from Armitage’s possession. He had not asked Armitage to return it to him as it would have ended up in Snoke’s hands, who he’s certain would not have returned it. He hadn't considered sending it somewhere else risking that it might fall into an enemy's hands. He sighs, the situation would be laughable if it wasn't so dire.

A day and a half later, Kylo, no closer to a solution, feels the familiar prickle of Armitage trying to reach him through the Force. He blocks it.

He presses the intercom near his seat, “Pilot, can you send a message to General Hux on the _Finalizer_?”

The reply comes as he expected, “No, Sir, we have orders from The Supreme Leader that we are not to contact anyone besides himself. Is there a problem?”

“No.”

Kylo grumbles. He reasons that Snoke had not sent Armitage his message. Since he’s forbidden from communicating directly, he hopes that blocking Armitage will be enough of a signal to cease his efforts at contacting him. Of Course, Armitage sends out another feeler. Kylo blocks it. Armitage makes a few more attempts before relenting.

 

Even before entering the planet's atmosphere, Kylo senses the Darkness of the Place. It is no surprise that looters and treasure hunters refuse to land here. As the ship descends to the planet surface, he feels the Dark Side presence even stronger, a pressure invading his mind, obliterating any joy he may have still been clinging to at that point. It’s both liberating and terrifying. This is what Darkness, true Darkness, feels like. He feels like he has been splashing about like a child in a puddle compared to now being submerged in an ocean. Not even the presence of his grandfather is this strong.

The ship settles on the ground and Kylo takes his leave, exiting into a rainstorm and pulling his hood up. He’s gone no more than a few paces when the shuttle lifts off. He turns back for a moment--those two pilots, finally free of their charge, will have 36 hours to be alone together as they travel back to Snoke’s Fortress. Without realizing, he smiles. A sharp pain shoots through his head like a spear, driving away the mere thought of someone else’s happiness.

He regains himself after that strange assault. Ever since becoming Snoke’s apprentice he’d fought empathy, compassion, sympathy, or any emotional connections, knowing that was his greatest weakness. He’d unintentionally fallen in love with the General he’d been assigned to work with, but did his best to convince Snoke, and himself, that their relationship was simply physical. It was passionate, yes; lustful, yes; compassionate, no. Snoke had been willing to let their relationship continue as long as it didn’t prove detrimental, warning Kylo many times about forming attachments. He still felt those twinges of compassion and love on occasion, particularly when he was with Armitage, but did his best to hide them from Snoke. This Place, however, is so strong in the Dark Side that it attacked him for his empathy.

He’ll have to be more in control of his emotions. At least with no other people around, he should be able to keep his thoughts and emotions in check, although isolation hadn’t helped him on Snoke’s Fortress.

He scans his surroundings. He’s standing in what seems to be the middle of what was once some kind of open Square, but with seven sides, with crumbling remnants of stone buildings on all sides but one. A building-less stretch of land dotted with an occasional pillar extends from the seventh side. It must have once been a street, but is now so overgrown with trees, grass, and shrubs it may as well have never existed. A bit of distance away, the ‘street’ leads to the Temple, a monumental, pyramid-shaped heptahedron, covered, as is everything else, in green vegetation. Rain pounds the ground and there is a distant odor of decay, the cold, wet environment an arrant contrast to the air-controlled starships he is acclimatized to. He heads towards the Temple, occasionally having to cut away a mass of brambles or a fallen tree to continue, his lightsaber making quick work of any and all obstacles. To avoid thinking any inappropriate thoughts, he repeats over and over in his head,

Darkness gives me Strength.

Strength gives me Power.

Power brings me Victory.

Victorious, my chains are broken.

The Force will free me.

Kylo reaches the base of the huge stone structure just as night begins to fall. He searches around for a way in but doesn’t see any obvious doors. He scrapes some vines and accumulated dirt off of a nearby stone plinth, hoping there might be some kind of helpful inscription. There is indeed an inscription, but he doesn't recognize any of the symbols. He curses himself for not having studied ancient writing more.

Trusting that the Force will guide him, he plods along the base of the structure, checking any alcoves for hidden entrances. When it gets too dark to see, Kylo lights his saber to find a fairly dry place to settle for the night in a dank but sheltered alcove.

He gathers some twigs and small branches to make a fire then clears an area on the stone ground in the alcove on which he bundles the wet kindling. He uses the Force to expel as much water as he can from the bundle, but it is still quite damp. He ignites the dryest pieces with his lightsaber. Eventually, the kindling dries enough for the fire to stay alight.

He hasn’t gathered more than an armful of sticks, so the fire isn’t going to last very long. It’s not like he needs it, anyway. Even if his robes dry, they will likely get soaked again the next day. It seems that the Force hasn’t guided him anywhere and will probably continue to guide him nowhere. He stares at the fire, feeling directionless. The Darkness pushed on him from all sides, but not towards any apparent objective.

He wishes he could see those “Force Strings” General Hux told him about, then he would have no problem locating an entrance. Hux described being able to see through walls as if everything was semi-transparent with these ‘Strings’ attached to everything like an elaborate cobweb.

He remembers how jealous he’d gotten when General Hux, Armitage, first told him about the Force Strings. Here he was, training his entire life to master a mystical, cosmic Force, and Armitage picked it up within a few days because he could see Force Strings. He’d have to track down some more kyber crystals to replace his own eyes after he finishes this training. If he finishes this training.

It’s been less than a day and he already doubts himself. He removes his still quite wet robe, laying it out near the fire to dry better. The tunic underneath is fairly dry and his scabbed over wounds have pasted the fabric to his back, so he leaves it on. He assumes a meditative pose. He reaches out in the Force, not entirely sure what he’s looking for, feeling around in the Force like someone feeling their way in a dark room. The Darkness is stronger here than anywhere he’s experienced before, even Snoke’s Fortress, so he should be absorbing and amassing its energy as he does in his meditation chamber. Then why does he feel so timid and weak?

This was how Armitage felt entering Kylo’s meditation chamber for the first time, like the Darkness was waiting coiled and ready to strike if he didn’t keep his guard up. Or like he felt, as a child, when he became fully aware of the power of the Force and it seemed like he couldn’t move without being afraid that the world around him might take offense at his actions and snap up to bite him.

The rain slowly comes to a stop, but the sky remains clouded and dark. As he watches the fading fire, listening to its soft crackle, he realizes, now that the rain has stopped, there are no other sounds. While he hasn’t spent a lot of time in natural environments, he knows that there should be at least the chirping of insects or small amphibians, if not the calls of other nocturnal animals. This degree of quiet is unnerving. Even on sterile starships, there was the constant low hum of engines and the buzz of computer consoles. In order to break the silence, he recites his mantra, a variation of the old Sith Code, aloud,

“Darkness gives me Strength.

Strength gives me Power.

Power brings me Victory.

Victorious, my chains are broken.

The Force will free me. “

It feels awkward to say out loud, like he’s embarrassed someone might hear him, like the Spirits of this Place would laugh at him for being so mediocre. He feels unworthy to be here, cowering in the shadow of this pure and holy Temple like a begging mongrel. Snoke was right, he wasn't ready.  But now he’s stuck here.

He falls asleep with that thought. And awakes to a torrent of rain. It’s dark and the fire is out. He gropes for his robe, and, using it as a blanket, curls up as far back into the alcove as possible. He listens to the storm as rain pummels the trees and other forest vegetation. There is an occasional flash of lightning and rumble of thunder. He falls asleep again at some point, falling into a nightmare.

_He lies in his meditation chamber, looking up at his shelves of mementos. He tries to move only to discover that his arms and legs are strapped down. He struggles to free himself, calling on the Force, only to find nothing there. The straps tighten the more he struggles. A hand presses down on his forehead, a face hovers over him, silhouetted, he can’t make out the features. A jagged knife appears over his face, the tip plunging into his eye before he can blink._

He wakes, screaming. But this time from a new dream, one he never had before. It didn’t involve one of his victims but someone else. He didn’t see clearly the person in the dream, but he knows who it was, Armitage Hux. Why General Hux would be haunting his dreams puzzles him.

It’s pre-dawn, light enough to see but still dim and murky. It’s raining, but not like the storm last night. He puts on his robe, it still hasn’t completely dried, but, as he suspected, by the look of the weather, it isn’t going to matter.

He meditates before continuing his search, or at least tries to, calling on the Force for guidance, but all he can see is that knife as it sinks into his eye. Focusing on the perceived pain only increases his trepidation. _I have to focus. I have to focus! Why can’t I focus?_

He bashes his fist on the ground wishing there was a combat droid around to alleviate his anxiety. Kicking a few trees helps at least to fatigue him somewhat before trudging once more through the thick, wet undergrowth.

After walking the perimeter of the Temple, Kylo finds himself back at the front, the side facing the overgrown ‘street’, which he investigates again more carefully than when he first approached it. The structure is made of huge stone blocks of different shapes, hewn to fit perfectly together. He supposes any of them might conceal an entrance. He pushes on several of them, but he soon realizes how comically futile that is.

Access to such paramount a building probably required not only special permission but also a key or passcode of some sort. Had he been expecting to be deemed worthy enough for the doors to fling themselves wide open for him?

Kicking the ground, he turns to take the path he cut and trampled the previous day, back towards the Square where the ship dropped him off. Once there, he spends the remainder of the day searching through the crumbling buildings--nothing more than simple stone dwellings--finding mostly the remains of domestic minutiae and furniture, nothing of particular significance, although there is an oddly large number of tea sets.

Getting hungry at one point, and not having seen any animals or found anything that looked vaguely fruit-like, he attempts to eat a leaf from one of the copious vines. It is bitter and makes his mouth instantly dry, so he spits it out, concerned that the leaves could be poisonous. It has been raining for the better part of two days, and probably longer before he arrived, so puddles are easy enough to find. He removes his gloves and scoops some of the cloudy water to his mouth. It is dirty and metallic, coppery.

As sunset approaches, he seeks out one of the dwellings with at least a partially intact roof. Most of the furniture has since turned to dust, save for some items made of stone, non-ferrous metal or durable synthetic.

This domicile used to have a fireplace, but the chimney has since collapsed, so Kylo makes a fire in the middle of the stone floor. He sits for a long while, watching it, taking several deep breaths before attempting to meditate.

_Grandfather, guide me. I don’t know what I'm supposed to do. The Darkness is strong here, but I can’t seem to use it. I don’t know how to harness its power. This is my last chance. If I fail...No, I can’t fail. Please help me, Grandfather._

\--------------

“I’m going to train to be a Jedi,” Ben tells Poe, out of breath from running to find him after learning the news, finding him outside of a salvage warehouse tinkering with an old droid.

“That’s great!” Poe leaps to feet. 

“I’m going to be a Jedi just like Grandfather. He was the greatest Jedi that ever lived, you know,” Ben says.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Poe says, “You talk about him all the time.”

Ben nods, looking away, he did brag about Anakin Skywalker too often.

“Why did your parents finally decide to let you go?” Poe asks, turning his attention back to the droid.

 _Because they're afraid of me_ , Ben thinks. 

“I, um, I guess Uncle Luke finally convinced them,” Ben says after a long pause.

“Huh. Well, it’s great, I’m happy for you, Ben,” Poe smiles at him.

\---------------

Kylo slams his fist onto the stone floor just as a bolt of pain convulses through his head. He falls to his side, pounding his head on the floor to rid himself of both the memory and the agony. When the onslaught subsides, he cautiously sits back up, vision swimming in the firelight.

He pushes all pleasant memories of Poe away, pulling the Dark ones to the surface. Crushing Poe’s windpipe with his arm, slicing open his chest, sitting behind Armitage as he lifted the beating heart from his rib cage. Kissing the back of his lover’s neck, his hands stained with Poe’s blood.  Armitage's bloodied hand caressing the small of his back...

_No,no,no! Don't think about that, either._

He had made it almost the entire day without thinking of Armitage or Poe, but now it seems that he can’t stop the flooding of memories.

Armitage kissing him for the first time. Armitage joining him the shower. Armitage allowing him to braid his hair. Teasing Armitage about his name. Roughhousing with Poe on the Millennium Falcon. Dropping Poe while trying to levitate him in a chair, and Poe landing on his ass. Realizing that he and Poe were more than just friends. Poe kissing him for the first time.

The flood of pain is too much to bear.

Using the Force, he flings the decrepit furniture against the walls. He leaps up, grabbing anything and everything within reach and smashing it, grabbing smashed things and smashing them again. Once exhausted, he throws himself on the floor on his back, panting and wiping away tears. The logs of the fire had gotten scattered during his rampage, but he doesn’t care. The memories and pain have finally ceased.

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to split this chapter into two (Mainly so I'll have an extra week to work on Ch4). The next chapter will involve more of Ben and Poe (as a Force-Ghost, because...look a squirrel!), more angst, and more rain.  
> Next chapter will have warnings for Self-Harm, Descriptions of Torture and Murder (as nightmares), Suicidal Thoughts, and Attempted Suicide


	3. A Little Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go from bad to worse. (Or from bad to worse to better, from a certain point of view)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Suicidal Thoughts, Attempted Suicide, and Descriptions of Torture and Murder (as nightmares).

 -------

 

He jolts awake to a hooded figure standing over him. Igniting his lightsaber, he leaps to his feet.

“Nice to see you too,” Poe grins. He’s dressed like a Jedi.

“Why are you here?” Kylo switches off his saber.

“I want to help you.” Poe lowers his hood.

“Why are you dressed like that?” Kylo asks, still not convinced of Poe’s ability to become a Force-ghost and cautious that this might be a trap of some kind devised by Snoke.

“Apparently, I can look however I want, so I thought, ‘Why not Jedi today?' ” Poe does a little half-twirl.

“You think if you dress like a Jedi, that will help me?” Kylo’s eyes narrow.

“Well, it does make me look sagely,” Poe says, “Maybe I’ll sound wiser, too.”

Kylo scoffs.

“Unless you’re going to tell me how to get into the Temple, I don’t need your help, or your sage advice, or anything else from you,” Kylo says, clipping his lightsaber back to his hip.

“Even if I knew how to get into the Temple, I wouldn’t tell you. I’m here to bring you back to the Light, not help you dig your way further into Darkness,” Poe says.

Kylo sighs, “I told you, it’s too late for that.”

“Well, I obviously don’t think that, and I’m not convinced that’s what you think either,” Poe says.

“What has past, has past, Poe, I can’t change it,” Kylo says, kicking some detritus.

“No, you can’t change the past, but you don’t have to continue on this path, not if you don’t want to. You can come back to the Light,” Poe says.

“I have nothing left of that other life, nothing to go back to,” Kylo says.

“What about your mother? She misses you,” Poe says.

Kylo feels the sting of a memory and shakes it away. “No, I killed her son, I killed her son's father, she could never forgive that.”

“She will, if you ask for it, and her son isn’t dead,” Poe insists.

Kylo shakes his head, “No. He is gone.”

“Ben is still in there, you know it’s true. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here trying to save him. Trying to save you,” Poe says.

Kylo continues shaking his head trying to erase any memories Ben might have stowed away in his mind.

Poe grabs him by the shoulders, “When we were kids, we were best friends, you and me.”

Kylo pushes Poe away, “No, you were friends with Ben Solo, not with me.”

Poe continues as if he hadn't heard him, “You remember how we used to get into so much trouble?” Poe’s visage morphs into an adolescent version of himself, wearing a brown leather jacket and dripping wet. Ben remembers that day clearly. It was during one of Ben's infrequent visits. Poe was becoming quite an accomplished pilot, even at that age, and Ben was a bit jealous and overly competitive. They raced a couple of old speeders around the lake, and when Poe was about to win, Ben Forced Poe’s speeder into the water. Poe didn’t get mad at him very often and Ben thought it was the funniest thing ever, Poe all wet and furious. 

“No, I don’t.” Kylo looks away, knocking his knuckles against his temple. 

“Okay, how about this?” Poe says. Kylo glances back to him. He looks like the last time Ben saw him almost seven years ago, youthful adult face, scraggly hair, utilitarian coveralls complete with grease stains.

“Oh, Poe.” Kylo feels tears begin to well in his eyes.

“Do you remember that night?” Poe says, “That was a fun night, wasn’t it? We both got so drunk we marched around the base boasting that we could take on the entire First Order just the two of us. Remember?”

Kylo fights Ben’s unrelenting memories, _Don’t remember, don’t remember_. He feels a thin blade of pain sliding into his mind, ready to twist.

“And you levitated that X-wing into the side of the hanger and tore the roof off? General Leia was so mad,” Poe laughs.

“Poe, don’t make me remember,” Kylo says, turning away.

“I had to fix that blasted X-wing. The General later told me that she had me intended for me to have it. I wondered sometimes if you did that on purpose.”

Kylo grabs his head, attempting to force back the slicing pain. “Please, Poe.”

Silence. 

When the pain eases, Kylo turns back, Poe is gone.

Kylo ignites his lightsaber and destroys anything that survived the previous night’s rage. 

When he finally tires himself out, he picks himself up from where his fit had ended, outside on his hands and knees on the wet ground. He had thrown his lightsaber at one point and raises his hand to call it to him, distressed that it takes a moment of concentrating on calling it to him. He had yelled his throat sore, so he reluctantly drinks from the least cloudy grey puddle he can find, which tastes of silt and copper. 

The Force has still not made clear to him what he should be doing so he stomps around aimlessly in the forest areas surrounding the ruins. The rain has let up somewhat, but the sky is still dark, with periodic flashes of pinkish lightning. The air, scant of breeze, bears a marshy, repellent scent.

He comes across some stone markers of some sort with crystals embedded in them inscribed with the same writing as the stele by the Temple. Kylo tries removing a crystal with his fingers, but it doesn’t budge. He could probably cut one out of the stone with his lightsaber, but decides against it, not wanting to offend the Dark Side anymore than he has. Frustrated at not making any progress, he makes his way back to the Temple.

Kneeling at the base of the Temple he pleads the Force for guidance,  beseeching the Darkness to let him in, only to be batted down on all sides. Clearly, there is something he should be doing that he is failing miserably to do. Maybe it is a matter of patience. So he kneels until his legs go numb, and recites his mantra until his voice goes hoarse.

The rain starts again in force and he notices that it is approaching nightfall, so he finds his way to a sheltered alcove, a different one from before. He doesn’t bother to make a fire or remove his wet robes. He sits, knees to his chest, leaning against the back of the alcove, pondering his failure until he falls asleep.

That night his nightmare returns, same setting as before, strapped to the table in his chamber, a shadow that he knows is Armitage Hux. This time, the dark figure cuts his belly open, pulling his guts out like shiny pink ribbons.

 _Go away go away go away!_ He wakes himself by unconsciously concussing his head against the wall behind him. Why would his lover torment him so? He’s sure the Dark Side is trying to teach him something, but he doesn’t know what. Something about love and attachments, probably. He can’t think clearly, his brain buzzes and he feels nauseous. He lies down for a while considering whether he has enough willpower to get up.

He wonders if the gravity on this planet is stronger than he’s used to, he feels so heavy. He wonders if Snoke knows of his failure. He wonders if there are any holocrons in this Temple, or if Snoke sent him on a wild Bantha chase. He supposes he wouldn't find out by lying here. The Force wouldn't miraculously lead him to a door, he'd have to put in an effort. No success was ever gotten without sacrifice. There must be a way in. He finds himself digging his fingers into a cruddy crack in the wall of the Temple. Maybe there is a switch hidden in one of the crevices.

After ruminating for far too long, he engages in running his fingers through the spaces between the huge stone blocks that make up the Temple walls--the gaps that are wide enough for fingers, that is. Many of the blocks fit too snugly to fit even a fingernail in. Several hours later, his patience runs out, he kicks the base of structure screaming, “Let me in!” at the top his lungs. He then launches into pummeling his fists against the stonework wailing incoherently.

“Hey. Hey, now, you're gonna break your hand,” Poe’s voice comes from behind him.

Kylo spins around, taken off guard for the third time by this accursed ghost.

“Go away, Poe!” He bellows. Poe’s smile flattens. Kylo takes several ragged breaths, then mutters, “No, don’t, don’t go. Don’t go away again.”

Poe steps closer to him, extending his arm in an inviting gesture. Kylo does the same and they meet in a tentative grasping of elbows. A sting in his head stops him from a full embrace.

“I’ll stay as long as I can,” Poe says.

“I still don’t understand how you’re even here at all.” Kylo eases closer to him, doing his best to push away any enjoyable memories or feelings of gladness at seeing Poe again, which seems easier to do today, while ignoring the pain that is pressing on his brain.

“One of those ‘Mysteries of the Universe’ things, I guess,” Poe says.

Kylo bows his head, letting it rest on Poe’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“What do you want to do?” Poe asks.

What did he want to do? That was a question he didn’t know if anyone had ever asked him before.

“I don’t know,” Kylo cries into Poe’s shoulder.

“Come on, you must want something.” Poe eases them both down so that they are sitting on the ground.

“I wouldn’t mind something to eat,” Kylo mutters.

“Sorry, I can’t help you there,” Poe says.

They sit quietly for a while, the only sound is Kylo’s boot heel scraping the ground. The air is heavy and humid, threatening another cloudburst, but Kylo doesn'the have the energy to find a more sheltered spot.

“I wish I didn’t even know about the Force,” Kylo says. “I wish we could have run away together before any of this happened.”

“Those are things that can’t be changed,” Poe says, “But you have a choice on what you do from here.”

Poe rubs his back and Kylo winces, his lash wounds haven’t healed in this damp weather.

“Oh, sorry,” Poe says, lifting his hand away.

“I’m trapped. I can’t go back, I can’t go forward,” Kylo says.

“There’s always hope,” Poe says, mirroring his own dying words.

“Because there’s Light?” Kylo says in a hopeless, almost mocking tone.

“Because there’s Hope,” Poe says, “Light helps, but there is hope even in the darkest crevasses of the most isolated chunks of rock floating in the furthest reaches of space.”

Kylo chuckles at typical Poe optimism. Blind. He frowns, remembering. He sits up to look at Poe. Poe’s eyes are as warm and lively as ever.

“I’m..I'm...” Kylo stammers. Ben wants to say he's sorry. Sorry that he hadn't been strong enough to stop Kylo Ren. 

“I have already forgiven you, now you have to forgive yourself,” Poe smiles at him.

Ben Solo isn’t sure he can ever forgive Kylo Ren and Kylo Ren vehemently refuses to regret his actions. Ben Solo, Kylo Ren. He’s in limbo, neither and both.

Just then the sky opens up.

“You better find some shelter.” Poe stands, helping Kylo to his feet.

“I’m not turning away again, that’s when you disappear,” Kylo says.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Poe says as his form becomes transparent as if dissolving in the rain.

“No, don’t go,” Kylo begs.

“I’m always with you,” Poe says, vanishing completely.

Kylo stands alone in the downpour. What does it matter if he finds shelter? He is already drenched to the bone.

A violent storm rages that night. Kylo does eventually retreat to his alcove. He dreams of Armitage Hux sawing off his arms, the crunching of the serrated blade grating bone more awful than the pain itself.

 

 --------------

 

He kneels next to one of the rain puddles, scooping the grey water with a brass tea cup he retrieved from the ruins at some point. It sickens him to drink the water, but he would die without it. Die sooner, that is. He swallows it, gagging, coughing, and brushing tears away. On the up side, the Darkness hadn’t been pressing on him so hard lately. In fact, the Force felt farther and farther away with each passing day.

 

He’s not sure how many days go by before he sees Poe again. He’s burning his mantra into the front of the Temple with his lightsaber when he hears Poe’s bright voice behind him.

“Isn’t that considered desecration?”

“I don’t care,” Kylo says.

Poe inspects the inscriptions, “You have excellent penmanship, er, lightsabermanship?”

“Thank you.” Kylo powers down his lightsaber. “Did you bring any food with you this time?” He’s gone past the point of hunger to a quivering delirium.

“I couldn’t find any. Ghosts don’t need to eat,” Poe says. “Isn’t there anything around here?”

“I did find some worms yesterday, or the day before, and ate those,” Kylo says, “but they made me throw up, I think they’re poisonous. Everything here is poisonous. Even the rain. I’ve been drinking out of those rain puddles and it tastes like blood. And look,” he slips off his glove to reveal his hand, the skin wrinkled and wan.

Poe looks at Kylo’s hand, “I think that’s just from being continuously wet, not poisonous water.”

“I can’t feel the Force anymore, so I guess my wish sort of came true,” Kylo chuckles. His laugh degrades into a lament, then into an anguished cackle,  “I can feel myself dying, Poe. Isn’t that great? Then we can be ghosts together! Won’t that be fun?”

“Ben,” Poe says.

Kylo continues, rubbing his eyes and knitting his brow, “Or, can I even become a ghost if I’m not Force-sensitive anymore? You did, so it’s possible.”

“Ben, you’re not going to die here,” Poe says.

“How do you know?” Kylo says, “Do you know anything about this Place?”

“I won’t let you die here, I know that much,” Poe says.

“Why not? Maybe I want to die. I have nothing, no family, no Force, I’m trapped here surrounded by nothing but poison that’s eating away at me, I have to force myself not to think of anything remotely pleasant or else endure what feels someone stabbing a knife through my head, oh, and my lover kills me in new and creative ways every night. I don’t know if I can stand it much longer.” Kylo lights his saber and stares at it. It glows simultaneously violet and orange.

“Look, Ben, I know you feel lost right now, but it won’t free you. Trust me, I know,” Poe says.

“You’re trapped, too? You’re not here because you want to be?” Kylo eyes widen.

“I want to help you, so it is my choice to be here,” Poe says. “But any regret or anger or guilt you feel now won’t go away until you make amends, and that’s hard to do when you’re dead.”

Kylo lowers his head, sinking to the ground, letting his lightsaber fall from his hand. “There’s no other way out, Poe, this Place is killing me.”

“We’ll find a way.” Poe picks up the lightsaber and powers it down, then lowers himself next to Kylo. “Ben, we will find a way out, I promise.”

Kylo does not believe him.

 

A few days later, Kylo has an epiphany, resulting in Poe wrestling him to the ground when he tries to burn his own eye out with his lightsaber.

“No, it’ll work!” Kylo says, struggling against Poe’s grasp. Poe manages to get the lightsaber switched off, then pries it out of Kylo’s hand, tossing it into the bushes. Poe holds Kylo down, laying his entire corporeal body on top of him, until he stops struggling.

“It’ll work, I’ve got the crystals right here, I just need to pop them in.” Kylo clutches two slightly charred kyber crystals that he had cut out of the nearby stone markers.

“That’s not going to work,” Poe says.  

“It worked for Armitage,” Kylo insists. “If I could see the Force Strings, I could get into the Temple.”

“And if it doesn’t work, you would blind yourself, and that would cut your chances of finding a way inside the Temple considerably,” Poe says.

Kylo growls, then relents, his body going slack, “I guess you’re right.”

Poe lets him sit up. “Who knew ghosts were so heavy,” Kylo groans, having difficulty getting up.

“Ghost Strength, it’s something they don’t tell you about,” Poe smiles.

He helps Kylo stand, both of them brushing off mud and wet leaves. Kylo opens his hand, showing Poe the mismatched crystals, one orange and one blue, also differing slightly in size and shape.

“Those don’t match, anyway. You would have looked ridiculous,” Poe takes one. “Plus, this one is cracked.”

The crystal in Kylo’s chest is cracked, too, taken from his previous lightsaber. He stares into the forest, contemplating whether that means something, before retrieving his lightsaber. He has to navigate branches and brambles to get to it as his Force powers have dwindled to the point where he can no longer call it to him.

 

On one particularly dark morning, Kylo sits, unmotivated to bother getting up after waking from his nightly dream of being disemboweled or dismembered or otherwise killed by General Hux anew. He's not sure of the specifics of the dream exactly, but it doesn’t matter, he has decided that no matter how appalling his dream death, he is deserving of it.  

He is unsure how many days he's been on this planet. He didn't think he would need a tally, not expecting the task here to be so difficult, and by now it's too late to start one. 

He wonders if Supreme Leader Snoke sent him here just to get rid of him. Snoke had said how disappointed he was in him and wasn't happy in giving him a second chance, so maybe he sent him to this Place to both punish him for his failure and conveniently dispose of him in the process. He had contemplated contacting General Hux on more than one occasion, having only blocked their bond, not cut it. Maybe that's why the Temple remained sealed to him, because he hadn't broken their bond as Snoke had demanded. He didn't know how to do so, so had tried erasing it little by little and it seemed that it had faded so much by now that it may as well be broken. If he did try to contact Hux now, he would outright be disobeying Snoke, and he somehow can't compel himself to do that even though he's sure that if he has to spend another week here he will die.

He sits somewhat upright, leaning against the crumbling stone wall he had slept against. Poe sits next to him.

“I’m tired, Poe,” Kylo says, gazing into the forest, breathing the putrid air. “I failed, and I’m tired.”

“You’ve been fixating on getting into the Temple, and in doing so you’ve been neglecting your own well-being,” Poe says.

“I haven’t been neglecting anything. There’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing edible here, the water’s poisonous, it’s persistently cold and wet, and--”

Poe cuts him off, “Have you even tried drying off? I bet you haven’t taken those clothes off since you’ve been here. You haven’t left the confines of this area to see if you can at least attempt to find food or clean water. You haven’t tried to make a better shelter. You gave up before you started."

"The Dark Side permeates this entire planet. So any attempt at searching for food would have proved fruitless," Kylo jeers, aware of his pun.

Poe leans forward to stare at Kylo directly. Kylo avoids his gaze. "Look at me, Ben," Poe says, "Don't just give up. You may have failed Snoke’s test, but is that what you really wanted, anyway, to be his lackey, his attack dog, nothing more than a soulless enforcer, doing his bidding without question?”

Kylo glances to Poe, then to the ground.  He doesn't deserve to look at those eyes. “You don’t know anything about it. The Supreme Leader has shown me true power,” Kylo says.

“What good is true power when you are nothing more than a servant?” Poe says. 

"You don't know anything about it," Kylo says again as he pulls himself up and stalks off. 

 

\----------

 

_He’s strapped to the table. He doesn’t see Armitage but he feels his presence._

_“Why are you doing this?” He screams._

_He feels a warm hand on his forehead. “Because I love you and I want to keep you.”_

_“Let me go!” Kylo pulls at the restraints but that only makes them tighter._

_“No, or you’ll get away from me, again.” Something cold presses against his neck._

_“I promise I’ll never leave you, please let me go,” Kylo cries._

_“I’m sorry, I can’t, this is the only way.” The object against his throat glides down his breastbone, and there’s a glint of the blade as it rises, then falls, piercing his chest._

 

Kylo wakes with a clarity that he hadn’t had in weeks. He struggles to stand, wobbly and shivering. His body aches with every minute movement. He stumbles from his shelter to the front of the Temple. He ignites his lightsaber. It glows simultaneously orange and violet. Raindrops sizzle as they hit the blade. He inhales the ozone scent. A calm peace blankets him. A peace that he has never felt before. It feels nice. And there is no pain that follows that enjoyable feeling. It feels so nice. No pain at all. Kylo closes his eyes, the rain falling on his face. Yes, this is what must be done.

“Hey, Ben, what’s up?” He hears Poe’s voice.

Kylo powers down the saber and turns to him. “I know what I have to do. I know why I’ve been sick. I know why I can't get into the Temple. This Place has been trying to purge my body of its weakness because I failed to do so before.” 

Poe steps towards him, putting his hand out, subtly reaching for the saber. “Let’s talk about this, okay. You’ve been sick because you haven’t been taking care of yourself. Whatever you’re thinking might be a little rash.”

Kylo steps back, “I’m sorry, Poe, but Ben has to die.” He jabs the saber hilt against his chest and it ignites. Poe lunges for it, yanking it away. Too late.

Kylo crumples to the ground.

 

\-------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title comes from the Tom Waits song ['A Little Rain'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_ZiCApxTdQ) .


	4. Strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux finds Kylo nearly dead on the planet Ashas Ree. It cannot be said that the Force doesn't work in mysterious ways, but Hux just wishes that it wasn't quite so enigmatic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Blood, Surgery and Infected Wounds.

 

\---------

 

General Hux’s pilot gets them to Ashas Ree in two standard days. Hux makes a mental note to give her a commendation. He locates Kylo’s tracker signal and directs her to land in the vicinity, a rocky clearing in what appears to be the ruins of a city that has been overtaken by the surrounding forest.  

Hux arms himself with two blasters, his sword, and as many knives as he can stash on his person, slings a satchel that he had packed with a first aid kit and some rations over his shoulder, and exits the ship as it settles to a landing. He opens his comm to check the tracker’s signal, it’s coming from the direction of a nearby structure. He makes his way through the forest towards it.

The imposing pyramidal structure appears to be an old stone building camouflaged by vines and brambles. He follows remnants of a recently tread stone path lined with crumbling steles and broken statuary and, judging by several burn marks left in his wake, he determines that Kylo Ren had passed this way. A few of the steles, which mimic the seven-sided shape of the pyramid, have had the vines and dirt brushed away. He investigates one, it bears writing in an alphabet that he has never seen before, but he senses the meaning. _Light. Death. Rebirth. Dark._ How very Sith, he thinks.

A pinkish flash of lightning lights the sky followed by a crack of thunder, and a few moments later, rain starts down in sheets. _Perfect_. In his haste, Hux hadn’t thought to bring a coat. There are probably a few emergency coats in the shuttle, but he decides that finding Kylo is more important right now.

He follows the tracker’s signal, approaching the structure. As he gets closer, it seems like walking through tar, each step becoming more and more difficult, like a force pushing him back. No, not a force, The Force. He knows about the ruins here, ancient Sith temples that were so corrupted with the Dark Side that looters refused to even go near the planet.

He shudders. Another crack of thunder. He glances over his shoulder just in time to see the shuttle rising above the trees. The thunder must have masked its engines starting.

He signals the shuttle, “Shuttle Pilot! Are you in any danger? Can you please acknowledge?” He receives no response as the shuttle disappears into the low clouds. He shouts into his comm,“Pilot, return the shuttle! Now!”  He makes a mental note to revoke her a commendation and charge her with high treason. He doesn’t spend too much energy being angry, however, as he has more a pressing matter to focus on.

Resuming the path, as he gets closer to the pyramid, which he deduces to be a Sith Temple by virtue of its immensity and quality of construction compared to the other buildings, the Force Strings begin to vibrate in such a way as to cause a wave of vertigo to pass through him. The Dark energy comes off of the Temple like smoke tendrils, stinging him like a sandstorm. His comm beeps, the tracker is very close, but he doesn’t need it, he can see a small flickering of a Force signature within the smoky threads.

When he comes close enough to discern writing on the wall of the Temple, he perceives a warm and welcoming object amidst the hostile Darkness. On the ground next to what seems to be the front of the Temple, Hux spies Kylo’s lightsaber and picks it up. A strange but somehow familiar energy emanates from it; a Light energy. It bothers him that he can’t quite pinpoint where he has felt this energy before but he doesn’t dwell on it. He clips the lightsaber to his belt opposite his sword.

The large inscription on the front all of the Temple, written in Galactic Basic, appears to have been engraved recently as the text has not accumulated any dirt or grime.

_Darkness gives me Strength._

_Strength gives me Power._

_Power brings me Victory._

_Victorious, my chains are broken._

In nearly the center of the epigraph glows a panel, partially incised by the lettering. He tentatively touches the panel and a row of holographic symbols appears. Gliding his finger over the first symbol causes an area of the wall that had previously appeared seamless to part, creating an ingress about seven feet tall and seven feet wide.

He takes a few steps in, shaken by the dense cold within, but realizes that the flickering that he assumes to be Kylo emanates from outside the Temple.

Back outside the cold rain seems almost pleasant compared to inside the Temple. He presses through the tangling Darkness and underbrush as he makes his way along the outside of the Temple toward the pale flickering. He’s not sure whether the queasiness in his stomach comes from the Darkness rippling around him, or the scent of decay rising from the dense forest. 

As he approaches a recess in the stone architecture the putrid odor makes his heart skip a beat and he staggers when he sees a black-clad form slumped in the back of the niche. Scrambling on his hands and knees to the prone form, which he has no doubt is Kylo, even though the shape of his Force signature has changed, he has to prevent himself from retching. The body reeks of death, but the faint flutter in the Force convinces Hux that Kylo must still be clinging to life.

Water trickles through a crack in the overhanging stone, puddling beneath the body--the puddle is tinged red. Hux touches the body and it’s cold, but not stiff. He rolls it so that he can see its gaunt and sallow face, indeed Kylo.

Blinking back the wetness in his eyes, which would be detrimental to the situation, Hux gropes for an injury. He suspects from how violently their bond had been broken and from the searing pain he had felt when it happened that Kylo had been stabbed in the chest.

His hand finds the wound quickly. He tosses the first aid kit off of his shoulder and fumbles through it, grabbing the scissors. He wiggles the scissor blades through Kylo’s tunic, cursing the frustrating thickness of the fabric, managing to pull away enough to expose the blackened, burned hole in Kylo’s chest. 

After gobbing three packets of bacta on the wound, he tries hailing the shuttle again. His comm sensor indicates that the shuttle is no longer in the system. He tries to contact _The Finalizer_ , but there is too much interference to get a reliable signal. He sends a message and hopes that it gets through.

He rolls Kylo onto his side in order to strip his garments off, suspecting that the stab wound penetrates through his body. He peels the off wet robe then cuts through the back of the tunic. A sickening fetor assails him as he exposes not only the burned and blackened exit wound but several, smaller necrotic wounds on Kylo’s back. Bacta can’t help these as infected as they are. He’ll have to cut away the putrescent flesh.

He divests Kylo of his tunic, exposing a gaunt torso, and positions him so that he can easily perform the surgery. He debrides all the areas of black-green tissue with a scalpel until he sees a healthy pink, then slathers on healthy coatings of bacta. The rain has become a wailing storm, pelting them under the overhang. He’s going to have to get Kylo inside the Temple before doing any more treatment.

He slings the medical satchel over one shoulder and hefts a shockingly light Kylo over the other and trudges back to the entrance, which has since sealed itself shut. A feathering of his finger over the glowing panel and a tap on the strange symbol opens it; he proceeds inside.

As the wall closes behind them, illuminators near the floor brighten the passageway. The air is colder than outside but dry. While not welcoming by any stretch, the Force pulls Hux forward.

The wide hall leads into a large heptagonal chamber and in each wall, an alcove about the size of a small bunk, probably shrines that would have displayed a sacred relics or icons. He lays Kylo in one of them. Blood bubbles through the bacta on Kylo’s chest wound and he’s not sure if that’s a good or bad sign.

A square about the size of his palm lights above the alcove after he lays Kylo inside. Almost instinctively, Hux presses his palm to it and a small nook appears with a glowing polyhedron inside. It reminds him of the ones he’d seen in Kylo’s meditation room. He hears a humming coming from the polyhedron almost like distant singing. His hand touches it before he realizes it and he flinches away. It didn’t burn or sting him, his reaction had been out of expectation. Laughing at himself for being so jumpy, he gingerly takes it in his fingers. The swirling pearlescent force-fields on the sides tickle his fingers. The Force sparks on two sides, so he taps both those spots and the polyhedron slides open like a puzzle box.

The glow from inside it reaches out to envelop him like smoke. He becomes aware that he can see inside Kylo’s body as if he’s looking through several layers of a tomography scan all at once. He releases the polyhedron, which remains floating in the air.

He inspects Kylo’s chest with this new x-ray-like vision. The black sphere that encased the kyber crystal heart has been shattered and the crystal itself cracked in half. Blood flows weakly and partially in and out of the appropriate veins and arteries, dribbling either into the chest cavity or out of the wound. He needs to replace that crystal.

He grabs Kylo’s lightsaber from his belt, turning it in his hands trying to figure out how to open it to take its crystal out.

He sets the hilt next to Kylo and concentrates, hovering his hands above it, pulling the Force Strings taut. _Come on, Force. Open it._  He calms himself as his fingers twitch. The lightsaber lifts up and turns as The Force manipulates it, and it opens as if of its own accord. He lets it settle back down.

Not having a rib spreader available, he’ll have to cut through the ribs. He takes out the necessary tools from the satchel, a laser scalpel, forceps, gauze, some bone-mending sutures, and the rest of the packets of bacta--which he’d been over-eager to use when he found Kylo and now is down to only three. He rubs liquid sanitizer on his hands and wipes the wound with an antiseptic cloth before proceeding.

His hands shake as he makes the incision. Without Kylo assisting and guiding him with the Force, this procedure seems more daunting than the last time. He cuts the flesh around the blistered wound figuring that would have to be cut away regardless. The scalpel cauterizes the incisions, so there isn’t much blood.  

Cutting through the ribs requires a more patient hand. He wishes he would have brought a bigger cutting tool, this small scalpel barely makes a knick in the bone. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve, convincing himself that the tears are from the stale air and that his trembling hands are from the cold. _Don't give up now_.  Moving slow and deliberate, he delineates an appropriately sized section, then makes several passes to cut through the bone, careful to leave connecting tissue on one side. He pries up the section of ribs and folds it out.

As he had seen with the x-ray vision bestowed by the polyhedron, the blood flows haphazardly through the veins and arteries, with a noticeable amount of it leaking into the chest cavity. Using the forceps, Hux carefully picks out the broken pieces of the orb that had encased the kyber crystal, then presses gauze into the cavity to soak up the accumulating blood.

He takes the crystal out of the opened lightsaber, careful not to let it slip from his blood slicked hands. He can't really discern its color, somehow violet and orange at the same time. That strangely familiar, warm Lightness resonates from it. He feels an irrational enmity towards it but shakes it off as nervousness.

 _Okay, how do I do this?_ he thinks. An odd thought comes to him as if given to him by the Force presence in the room, because he would have never thought of it otherwise. He puts the crystal inside the floating polyhedron. Its pearly glow becomes that same violet-orange color. It closes itself around the crystal.

Using the Force, Hux lowers it to hover just above the broken crystal in Kylo’s chest. In a movement that takes an instant, but, in his concentrating on the Force, time slows down, the Qiitins quiver, knowing his intent, releasing the broken crystal and reaching for the polyhedron.

With a small flick of a finger, the broken crystal flies to his hand. The blood flow ceases, blood globules floating in place as if in zero gravity.  The facets of the polyhedron shimmer and ripple as the Qiitins move through force fields of each face, bringing with them the attached veins and arteries, the force fields on each side of the polyhedron sealing around the blood vessels, to affix themselves to the crystal within. Hux sees the blood start flowing again, strong and constant.

That’s an even weirder heart than before, Hux thinks, staring at it for a moment. He removes the gauze, then eases the section of ribs he had removed back into position, carefully stapling the bone sutures to hold it in place. He rations one packet of bacta over the sutures, hoping that will be enough to start it healing properly. He can’t do anything about the hole through the ribs at this point. Kylo may have to have an artificial breastplate put in, if they ever make it back to _The Finalizer._ But it’s the best he can do for now.

He stitches the incision, covering it with bacta, then coats a wad of gauze with the last packet, pressing it over the open wound and wraps remaining gauze around Kylo’s chest.

He wipes his hands with the antiseptic cloth and sits back, waiting, having done all he can think of to do.

His x-ray vision begins to fade which is a relief, he isn’t sure he could have handled constantly seeing inside of people.

He watches the weak threads of energy coming from Kylo as they connect to the Force Strings surrounding him, extending in all directions from his new heart, branching like a web with each connection it makes.

Hux focuses on the Strings coming from himself, they are still disconnected from Kylo’s. He can’t seem to direct them to attach to Kylo; it's like they are lost but ignoring his commands. Kylo’s Force energy had appeared different when Hux had tracked him, but he thought that was because Kylo was injured and near death, but now it seems even more dissimilar.

The Force quivers around Kylo like a spider shaking its web when it catches an insect. Hux suspects that it interprets Kylo’s presence as either an intrusion or an enemy. He wonders if he should take Kylo back outside, fearing the energy in the Temple might harm him. As he has that thought, Kylo’s budding energy repels the aggression, forming into something of a cocoon around him. Even unconscious, Kylo is a stubborn bastard, Hux thinks.

After a while, Kylo doesn’t seem to be getting any worse and Hux concludes that it is safe enough to turn his back on him momentarily while he inspects the chamber. He looks around the other shrine-like alcoves, searching for other hidden nooks, but finding no other glowing sections on the wall.

Thinking that he can hear a distant humming coming from above one of the alcoves, he reaches to touch an area similar in position to the one that revealed the polyhedron--

“What are you doing here?”

Hux spins around, Kylo stands directly behind him. He hadn’t heard or sensed him approach.

“Saving your life, apparently,” Hux sighs after composing himself.

Kylo stares at him as if he doesn't recognize him, then glances around. “Are we inside the Temple?”

“Yes,” Hux says.

“How?” Kylo demands.

“I brought you in here,” Hux responds.

“How did you find me?” Kylo asks.

“I had a tracker hidden in your belt,” Hux tells him.

“Why?” Kylo sounds like he is interrogating a prisoner, not speaking to his lover and the person who had just saved his life.

“For an occasion such as this, when you might be in mortal danger,” Hux says, matching Kylo’s glare. Kylo looks around again, then studies Hux.

“How did you get into the Temple?” Kylo asks.

“I...uh, I just used the control panel,” Hux says.

Kylo's staring is starting to make Hux more than uneasy.

“What control panel?” Kylo asks, genuinely perplexed.

Hux wonders if this is some sort of test, possibly arranged by Snoke, or even concocted by Kylo himself, but to what end, he isn’t sure.

“The entry panel out front... for the door... like any door panel,” Hux knows that sounds derisive, but Kylo’s strange accusatory posturing is disconcerting.

Kylo smiles, but it looks like it’s out of pain. He looks as if he’s about to burst into tears when a demented laugh tears from his lungs. Hux's hand grips his blaster, although he’s not sure why. He should be overjoyed to see Kylo well enough to be arguing with him. But this person doesn’t feel like Kylo, his thin, bony body doesn't look like Kylo and he certainly isn’t acting like Kylo.

Kylo laughs longer than feels comfortable, although this entire situation has felt uncomfortable.

“Kylo?” Hux finally interrupts, “Are you okay?”

Kylo begins coughing, clutching his chest, falling to his knees. Hux reaches out to catch him and they both end up on the floor. Hux can see now the tears rolling down Kylo’s cheeks. Kylo grabs at his chest, gasping like he can’t breathe.

“Okay, calm down,” Hux says, pulling Kylo to lean back against his chest. “I had to remove part of your ribcage, so try not to dislodge the sutures.”

“What?” Kylo asks between sharp intakes of air.

“Your crystal heart was broken, so I replaced it with the one from your lightsaber,” Hux says.

Even though each breath pained him, Kylo begins laughing again. Hux rubs Kylo’s arms, but it still doesn’t feel like Kylo. Their Force energies seem to be actively repelling each other.

He tries to calm Kylo down worried that these laughing fits could cause him further harm. He runs his hands through Kylo’s hair--it’s much longer than it was when he departed _The Finalizer._ A pulse in the back of Hux’s head, a memory, almost reminds him where he has felt this energy before.

“I...I’m a ... utter failure.” Kylo has started sobbing again, and Hux can barely understand him. “Snoke will…” Kylo sits up suddenly. “We have to leave!” He scrambles to get up, and Hux has to help him.

Kylo frantically glances around the room, then stumbles toward the hallway. Hux grabs him around the waist to assist him, and, despite the bewildering action, doesn’t try to stop him from heading for the exit.

“What’s wrong?” Hux asks.

Kylo is in too much pain to answer him. When they reach the sealed entryway, Kylo pants, “How do we...get out?”

“There must a panel somewhere,” Hux says, but he doesn’t see one. Kylo seems about ready to start screaming when the wall slides open and Kylo staggers outside before Hux acknowledges that it is black and storming outside. Kylo turns back to him as Hux steps reluctantly out and wall closes behind him.

“Now what?” Hux says. He can see Kylo’s form clearly, his Force energy seems to be in a panic, flicking around like a scared animal, but he supposes that Kylo can’t see anything beyond murky blackness. He pulls his comm out of his pocket, it isn’t a great light source, but it will have to do. In their hurry to get out, he’d left the satchel inside, which had an emergency light in it.

“I don’t know,” Kylo pants.

“Why did we have to leave?” Hux asks.

“I can’t ...” Kylo says, looking as nonplussed as Hux feels, but apparently relieved to no longer be in the Temple.

Kylo refuses to go back inside the Temple even though it’s pouring rain, so they bumble around the side of the Temple to find a sheltered alcove, bypassing the one Hux found Kylo in earlier. They locate a bleak and rocky but somewhat dry grotto and Kylo slumps against the back.  

“I left some emergency supplies inside, I should go and get them, will you be okay here?” Hux asks. Kylo blinks up at him without raising his head but doesn’t answer, as if suspicious of him. “I’ll be right back,” Hux says.

He returns to the front of the Temple and enters using the same procedure as the previous times. He retrieves the satchel and the pieces of Kylo’s lightsaber, and makes his way back to the grotto. Kylo appears to not have moved during the time Hux was gone.

Hux crouches down and opens the satchel. He finds the light and places it on the ground between them. He then pulls out a hand-sized, silver packet and holds it out to Kylo, who only glowers at him, so Hux says, “Emergency blanket, I don’t want you going into shock.” When Kylo makes no effort to take it, Hux unwraps it and stands to drape it around him, but Kylo recoils as if he is about to throw boiling water on him.

“It’s okay,” Hux says. Moving slower, he places the silvery blanket over Kylo’s shoulders and Kylo scowls but lets him, clutching the corners to keep in place. He grabs a water ration from the satchel and offers it to Kylo, who takes it like he's being offered poison, but then drinks nearly the entire ration in one swig. Hux hands him a couple of painkillers, and Kylo, once he determines what they are, swallows them along with the rest of the water ration.

“Do you feel up to eating anything?” Hux asks. “I have a few protein bars.”

Kylo shakes his head. They sit in silence for a while. Kylo peers at him with a glazed look. Hux tries in vain to communicate with _The Finalizer_ , sending another message that he isn’t sure gets through.

He’s about to ask why they couldn’t stay inside the Temple, but Kylo seems to have fallen asleep. Apparently, the painkillers were also sedatives. Hux turns the light off and lies down. It’s not the most uncomfortable place he’s ever tried to sleep, but it’s a close second.

Sporadic lightning illuminates the reflective blanket that covers Kylo, reminding Hux that he is there and alive, yet, for some reason, that thought does not comfort him as it should. Eventually, he sinks into an unwelcoming dream.

_He’s in Kylo’s meditation room, the prisoner is strapped to the table. He runs his hands over the prisoner’s forehead and gazes into his eyes. He’s going to take those eyes, those beautiful, traitorous, hopeful eyes. He hates them, hates them for being so hopeful. He will take those eyes, but he wants the prisoner to see one final thing before he does. He wants the prisoner to see his own heart removed from his chest and watch as it stops beating._

_He straddles him, bringing the tip of an angled blade to the prisoner's sternum. The prisoner squirms, shaking his head, screaming “let me go!” He tries to steady him by grabbing his jaw. When he looks again at those dark eyes, he realizes the prisoner is Kylo._

  
He shudders awake. His heart pounds in his ears. He knows where he has felt that strange energy before, the energy that had seemed so familiar and yet so foreign. The pilot. It had come from the pilot’s heart, taunting him even as he severed it from his body. Now, it radiates from Kylo.

 

\-----

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sometimes skulk about on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/slashedface)  
> 


	5. Trust Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having been saved from death, Kylo's show of gratitude is far from what Hux expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Choking, Strangulation, Light Bondage

 

He looks over at Kylo’s sleeping form in the predawn light. Kylo has the appearance of death, gaunt and pale. The only sign of life is that Light energy pulsating from him, perhaps even stronger than yesterday.

Hux sits up and Kylo’s eyes fly open. Kylo springs to his feet before Hux can blink, standing slightly bent at the waist, holding his hand out as if he’s trying to prevent Hux from getting near him. Hux cringes, expecting a bolt of Force lightning to hit him. But Kylo just steps back, steadying himself against the wall, holding his chest.

“Sorry,” Hux says, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Why are you here?” Kylo asks.

“I...don’t you remember...last night?” Hux says.

Kylo blinks, his eyes flicking around as if unable to focus on anything.

“My chest feels like it’s on fire,” Kylo groans.

“I had to replace your kyber crystal heart, I told you last night,” Hux says.

Kylo stares into the space between them. Hux takes the broken crystal out of his pocket as if Kylo wouldn’t believe him without proof. He approaches Kylo with his palm out, showing him the crystal.

Kylo looks at his hand as if it’s some alien thing he’s never seen before, then snatches the crystal out of it. He retreats a bit, looking around like he’s lost, patting his hip. “Where’s my lightsaber?”

“It’s here,” Hux kneels down slowly to retrieve the pieces from the satchel. He holds them out for Kylo. Not sure which of them is more afraid of the other, he freely admits to himself that he is terrified. Some perverse thought has been creeping into the back of his head telling him that this person is not Kylo, but a doppelganger, and that Kylo really is dead.

Kylo takes the pieces without taking his eyes off Hux and backs away. He crouches near the wall, fumbling with the lightsaber pieces, glancing nervously over his shoulder at Hux a few times and mumbling to himself. Having reinstalled its original crystal, Kylo stands and ignites it.

Even wilder than before, two erratic blades clash against one another, merging as one, then break apart again, sparks sputtering out of the side vents. It had been unstable before with a cracked crystal, so with the crystal now broken in two, Hux stares in amazement that Kylo could get it to work at all.

Kylo points the blade at Hux, once again demanding, “Why are you here?”

Too surprised to be scared, Hux responds, “Kylo, what is wrong with you?” Then silently chides himself, that was the wrong thing to say. Kylo does not lower his blade, so Hux tries to reassure him, “I thought you were dead, so I came looking for you.”

“Why did you think I was dead?” Asks Kylo in an accusatory tone.

“I felt it...your heart stopped...and then I couldn’t feel you,” Hux tells him. He doesn’t tell him that he still can’t feel him, that he thinks Kylo is an imposter.

“How did you know where I was?” Kylo asks.

“I, uh, I told you, I had a tracker hidden in your belt, just in case,” Hux explains, “You know, in case of this exact situation, where you were injured or needed help. I found you nearly dead and, well, you would have died if I hadn’t shown up. I don’t know why you are being so jumpy, but there is no need for it. I came here to help you, not hurt you.”

Kylo lowers his lightsaber slightly, but not enough for Hux’s comfort. He looks at Hux like he had never met him before. He looks to the ground, knitting his brow, then looks back up to Hux, putting his hand on his chest.

“I dreamt that I...then we were in the Temple and Poe …” Kylo pauses, rubbing his eyes.

“That wasn’t a dream, except for the part about Poe,” Hux says,  “But I took you inside the Temple and I found a glowing polyhedron, and it showed me how to heal you.” Saying it out loud makes Hux doubt it even himself, but he knows it wasn’t a dream because Kylo stands before him with gauze wrapped around his torso.

Kylo eyes widen, “You found a way into the Temple _and_ found a holocron?”

Hux bites his lip, “I guess I did.” He has heard of holocrons, artifacts containing ancient knowledge about the Force, extremely difficult to find and can only be opened by a chosen few.

Kylo looks even more baffled than before. He rubs his chest, almost in a trance. “You…” he begins, then powers down his lightsaber. He closes his eyes and takes a few deep but shaky breaths. He sways and Hux worries that he’s about to pass out.

After several long moments, he opens his eyes and gazes at Hux. His uncharacteristically skittish demeanor has transformed to more closely resemble Kylo’s usual somber mien. ”Thank you,” he says.

“You’re welcome,” Hux says, confused, but glad that Kylo seems to be coming to his senses.

Kylo stares at him until Hux, wishing to break the awkward silence, says, “I have some ration bars if you are hungry.”

Kylo makes a noise, something between a hum and laugh, that Hux assumes is a ‘yes’ and fetches a ration bar for him.

 

\----------

 

They both sit near the back of the grotto, watching the rain. Hux makes a third attempt at contacting _The Finalizer_ , or any First Order ships in range, but is again unsuccessful.

Kylo sits very still with his eyes closed. Hux can see his Force cocoon but can sense nothing from him.

“That isn’t going to work,” Kylo says without opening his eyes, “We can’t leave until we complete the tasks we were sent here to do.”

Hux hadn’t wanted to speak about the task that Snoke had given him, hoping that he could somehow avoid it. He doesn’t doubt Kylo, but remains silent.

He sets about gathering some wood and kindling to make a fire, even though it is all too wet to start a fire with, just to give himself something to do. This Place feels so heavy around him, sapping him of any optimistic feelings. Kylo is alive but he has yet to feel happy about and that troubles him.

Most of the day, Kylo sits breathing methodically in what Hux assumes is a healing meditation. Hux had tried to convince Kylo that they should go back inside the Temple but Kylo refused, stating that he couldn’t but not providing any explanation.

As evening approaches, Kylo watches him arrange the kindling into a neat stack, strike the emergency flint several times, shoot his blaster at it, then kick the pile over.

This Place is making him edgy. He doesn’t know how Kylo managed three weeks here when he already feels the Darkness twisting his mind.

Kylo ignites his saber, making Hux jump. He uses it to light the kindling, the intense heat from the saber evaporating any dampness. Steam billows up for a few moments then the smaller twigs catch fire.

“Thanks,” Hux mutters. He removes his jacket and waves it near the fire to dry it. Kylo regards Hux as if expecting him to say something else, before returning to his meditation.

The rain lets up as the sky darkens. The fire mesmerises Hux, but not in a pleasant way, in prickly, irritating way that scratches in his brain and he can’t shake out.

Sounds become voices and the voices are relentless.

Words that he doesn’t know repeat and reverberate in his head.

Kylo’s voice breaks his trance.

“Tell me why you are here.”

 _This again? Did three weeks on this planet destroy his short term memory?_ Hux had thought before that Kylo had something profoundly wrong with him, but now he is certain.

Hux sighs, and tries to explain again, “I thought you needed-”

“Did the Supreme Leader send you?” Kylo interrupts him.

_Oh, that._

“Uh, well, yes, he did,” Hux says. Kylo stares at him.

“Did Snoke give you a task to do here?” Kylo asks when Hux doesn’t provide any further information. “He gave you some kind of assignment regarding me.” Kylo must be able to sense his thoughts, even though he can’t sense Kylo at all, beyond his Force cocoon, which blocks his attempts at connecting.

Not that he ever learned mind reading, anyway. Before Kylo had left _The Finalizer,_ he’d tried a few times, but could only sense Kylo’s thoughts and feelings at Kylo’s discretion. If Kylo denied him access to his mind then he may as well have been banging on an impermeable wall in the hopes of finding a door.

When interacting with his crew the Force Strings would vibrate in certain ways that he assumed were thoughts, but he never learned how to interpret it. The best he could do was pick up basic emotions, but currently, he can’t even do that because Kylo’s Force-cocoon shields him.

Hux takes a deep breath, he doesn’t want to say it, fearing that Kylo, in his unsound mental state, would obey the command without a second thought. He steels himself. “He wants you to kill me.”

Kylo’s expression changes from bewilderment to astonishment, to a deep anguish in a matter of seconds. Kylo’s gaze lowers, he looks crushed. Hux would have thrown his arms around Kylo, he misses his warmth, his touch, but he can’t help but feel that this part of Snoke’s test. “Kylo, I-”

Kylo’s head jerks up and Hux freezes.

Kylo smiles weakly and it makes Hux even more unsettled. “I was given a task long ago,” Kylo says, “it has been so long now that I thought I was free of it-I should have known better. I never thought it would be you, Armitage.” Kylo rarely called him by his first name. Armitage remembers when Kylo first learned his name and had laughed about it. Armitage had been so angry he refused to talk to Kylo for a week. Whenever he did use it, it meant that Kylo was dead serious.

The firelight gives Kylo a sinister appearance as shadows exaggerate his emaciated frame, making him appear even more cadaverous, deepening his eyes, emphasizing the faint scar across his face. His eyes glint and hair shines red.

Had he just assumed that Kylo would refuse to kill him, and that would be the end of it, test over? No, Kylo’s devotion to Snoke, to his Dark religion, eclipsed his love for him. He’d always known it, but never expected to have to test it. Armitage knew this risk coming here. He had saved Kylo and that had been his biggest concern. If he has to die now as a result, then so be it.

Kylo eyes him, likely reading his thoughts.

 _So how will this proceed? Quick_ _and painless, slow and tortuous, a fair duel, an unfair game..._

“Remove your weapons, please,” Kylo says, rising.

“Why?” Armitage asks.

“We are going to play a game,” Kylo says.

“A game?” Armitage asks.

“Yes, a trust game,” Kylo says.

“And...you’ll remove your weapon, too,” Armitage say, unsure of where this is leading. Even without weapons, either of them could put a decent fight using only The Force.

Kylo nods, setting his lightsaber on the ground. Armitage removes his blasters, his sword, and several knives he has stashed in his boots and belt.

“So, how do we play this game?” Armitage asks, pulling his fifth and final knife out of his boot and setting it next to the others on his neatly folded jacket.

“It’s simple, you trust me,” Kylo says, stepping towards him.

“That doesn’t sound like a game,” Armitage says.

“You trust me, don’t you?” Kylo asks as his hand creeps up Armitage’s chest.

“Absolutely,” Armitage says, “Don’t you believe me?”

“I believe you,” Kylo says. His hand stops at Armitage’s throat. He holds it there, barely touching the skin.

“Then why do have to play this game? If you trust me and I trust you, what do we have to prove to each other?” Armitage says. He almost backs away, but that would certainly be a sign that he didn’t trust Kylo.

Kylo looks down, his hand still resting at Armitage’s throat. He sighs, “You don’t trust me completely.”

“I trust you with my life, how can I trust you more than that?” Armitage says.

“You’re afraid of me,” Kylo says, looking up, staring into his eyes. Armitage again resists the urge to back away.

“I may be a little, well, concerned at times, but I’m not afraid of you,” Armitage says, staring back, unblinking.

“Are you concerned right now?” Kylo asks.

Armitage’s hesitation is answer enough.

“Why are you concerned, if you trust me as much as you say?” Kylo says.

“I know where your devotion lies,” Armitage says. There’s no use being deceptive, Kylo already knows his thoughts.

Armitage's back makes contact with the rough stone surface behind him. He hadn’t realized Kylo had been backing him against the wall, pressing lightly on his throat, his hand warm compared to the dampness of the grotto.

“Do you think I am more loyal to The Supreme Leader than I am to you?” Kylo says.

Again, Armitage hesitates.

“Then, that is why we have to play this game.” Kylo lowers his hand, trailing his fingers down Armitage’s sternum to his abdomen into his pant’s waistband. He lifts out Armitage’s tucked in shirt, then yanks it open, snapping the buttons off.

He grabs Armitage’s left wrist. Armitage tries to pull away, but, backed against the wall, has nowhere to go. He remembers the last time Kylo grabbed his wrist. The Force Electricity Kylo had used on him then nearly knocked him down. But this time, Kylo does not use that power, or any power, only holds him firmly.

He takes a hold of his other wrist then brings both hands to his chest. He steps backwards, leading Armitage away from the wall, stopping just short of the end of the overhang. The misty rain blows gently into the alcove. Armitage blinks as it tickles his face.

“This hardly seems like the place for this,” Armitage jokes, trying to hide his anxiety. He hates that Kylo can be unpredictable, but he is acting even more deranged than usual and he hopes that he can coax him out of whatever mental state he’s in now with a bit of flirting. “I mean, it’s cold, and the ground is too rocky, and...”

Kylo interrupts him with a kiss. His hands grope inside Armitage’s shirt, running along his shoulder, caressing the bare skin with his lips as he eases the shirt sleeve down his arm until it slips completely off.

Armitage relaxes a bit, he prefers this, kissing and foreplay in a wet, rocky grotto, to playing this head game of Kylo’s, a game that seems destined to end very poorly.

Kylo pulls off the other sleeve as well, then takes Armitage’s hands again, bringing them up between their chests, and wraps the shirt around Armitage’s wrists.

No, on second thought, this is not better. Armitage starts to pull away, but Kylo gives him a smart jostle.

“Stop that,” Kylo says, wrapping the shirt around a second time, “That’s already a point against you.”

“So, this game is scored?” Armitage asks. “How many points do I need to win?”

Kylo chuckles something under his breath.

“Hey,” Armitage protests, “it’s unfair if you know the rules and I don’t.”

“There is only one rule: You Trust Me,” Kylo tells him, finishing a surprisingly neat knot.

He finds it hard to trust Kylo right now. It must be this Place. This Place of Darkness, of Fear and Doubt.

“Do we have to do this here?” Armitage asks, looking up into the dark forest canopy, allowing the soft rain to wet his face. He feels the Cold, the Darkness.

“Anywhere else would be meaningless. It’s easy to trust someone when there’s no threat. This Place has a Dark Power that will reveal your fears to you, your weaknesses, and you will either use it to make you stronger or succumb to it.” Kylo says. He lifts Armitage’s hands over his head so that his bound wrists nestle at the nape of Kylo’s neck.

“What if _you_ succumb to it?” Armitage asks.

“You keep forgetting the Rule,” Kylo says, as if to a child.

“I can’t question you at all?” Armitage pulls weakly at his bonds.

“This isn’t about me, this is about questioning yourself,” Kylo tells him, cradling Armitage’s face. “We can stop whenever you want,” he says, his voice low and soothing.

Armitage stares into Kylo’s eyes, looking for a hint of betrayal, but can sense nothing in those dark eyes. If Kylo planned to kill him outright, would he be playing with him like this? He might.

He stands tense, his hands behind Kylo’s neck in a way that should feel intimate but does not. He feels anxious, cold, itchy, and has a brief thought about how much his arms are probably going to cramp.

Kylo raises a hand to Armitage’s throat, lightly stroking the back of his hand under his chin.

“Okay?” Kylo asks.

If he refuses, in effect admitting that he doesn’t trust Kylo, he’s not sure what Kylo would do. Not here, at least, in this Place of Darkness, where his behavior has already been erratic. If he tries to prove to Kylo that he does trust him, maybe he can ultimately convince himself.

The end result may be the same either way. Snoke had ordered Kylo to kill him, so he expects nothing else, yet he has no other choice but to nod his head.

What is Snoke’s lesson? Supposedly, he was given this test because he trusted Kylo too much, so maybe he should refuse. Maybe this wasn’t a lesson at all, but a sick whim of Snoke’s to force Kylo and him to distrust and then kill one another.

Kylo’s presses his hand against his throat then withdraws slightly, giving Armitage one more chance to back out. Armitage lifts his chin but makes no other movement. A second hand comes up, a thumb presses into his trachea, but not too hard, just to the point of discomfort, he can still breathe.

“When I did this to the pilot, you were jealous.”

Armitage wiggles his head a feeble _No_.

”Yes, you were jealous that I had touched him before, even though it was before you knew me,” Kylo says.

“I see, you admit now that you were Ben Solo,” Armitage says.

“This isn’t about me,” Kylo repeats.

“It is about you, you’re afraid of me, too,” Armitage says, instantly wishing he hadn’t.

“So, you _are_ afraid of me,” Kylo says.”Why are you afraid of me? Is it because I killed a former lover just because you asked and you think I would do the same for Snoke?”

“You did threaten me with your lightsaber,” Armitage says.

Kylo’s grip slackens, “I...I thought…” he trails off.

“You thought Snoke sent me to kill you?” Armitage realizes. “That’s what this _game_ is about, _you_ don’t trust _me_. I found you on the brink of death, if I wanted to kill you I would have done it then.”

“I never thought that you wanted to kill me, but had Snoke given you that order, would you have done it?” Kylo asks.

“No,” Armitage says.

“Then why do you think I will harm you?”

“I don’t...” Armitage mutters, but he had been apprehensive, feared Kylo’s devotion to Snoke and the Dark Side would overshadow his feelings towards him, unsure what Kylo might do. His heart pounds and breath staggers, and he tries not to let his fear show, but he’s certain that Kylo senses it.

Kylo runs his thumbs along the sides of Armitage’s jaw, nudging his chin up. With his fingers moving through Armitage’s hair to the back of his neck, Kylo leans forward, pulling Armitage closer, to bring his lips to his throat.

He whispers into the skin, “I missed you so much, it killed me every day that I couldn’t touch with you.”

Armitage had missed Kylo, too. And still misses him, because whatever happened to him while on this planet presently gives him the semblance of a stranger. This so-called ‘trust game’ is making it harder for him to trust Kylo, not easier.

Kylo touches his lips to Armitage’s neck, then shudders and pulls away. His hands slide back around, thumbs resting at the hollow of his neck just above the collarbone.

Kylo looks him over like he is a specimen in a jar. Then his eyes become glassy and wet as his expression drops its impassive veil. He laces his fingers behind Armitage’s neck, closing this hands tighter.

Armitage shoves down the surge of panic rising in him. I trust you, I trust you, I trust you _,_ he repeats over and over in his head as Kylo constricts his air supply.

 

The lack of oxygen heightens his senses instead of diminishing them. Colors reflect off of the rain streaming down Kylo’s face and firelight catches in dripping leaves above him. The scent of the wet forest and burning wood intensifies--decomposing leaves, soil, rocks, moss, smoke, embers--swirling around him. A calmness washes over him, drowning out everything else.

Only vaguely aware of his consciousness slipping, he flashes to meeting Kylo for the first time and how he had felt an instant attraction for him.

He flashes to the first time he and Kylo made love. Kylo had treated him like a person, not a General, or a son of a General, or a means to an end. Kylo wanted nothing except to be with him.

He flashes to Kylo asking for his eyes, and how suddenly afraid he had been of his lover.

He flashes to the pilot’s unwavering faith in the Light while Kylo held him down as he blinded him.

He flashes to feeling Kylo’s heart stop as if his own had stopped.

He flashes to finding Kylo nearly dead in the dank alcove.

He flashes to the moment when he had to tell Kylo to kill him.

His mind lingers on that moment, he had told Kylo that Snoke wanted Kylo to kill him. But that wasn’t the task. He was supposed to order Kylo to kill him.

He snaps alert, Kylo looking at him with that familiar beseeching gaze that Armitage could never deny. Kylo , Armitage thinks, that gaze could belong to no one else.

He has a realization, although coming from a dying brain it’s likely completely irrational, but it seems perfectly obvious-Kylo is waiting for his command.

In order for Kylo to complete his training, it must be done, but he won’t do it for Snoke or even himself. He will do it for Armitage. If Kylo fails this test, Snoke will destroy him, so, to save the only person he’d ever loved-

‘Kill me’ he tries to say but has no voice. “Kill me!” he shouts at Kylo through the Force with all the power he can draw, boring a spiraling energy through Kylo’s Force-cocoon.

A hard, painful ringing throbs in his ears and the radiant colors that surround him blur into a monochrome of purple and white. Then only a blinding white.

 

\---------

 

It is white for a long time.

 

\---------

 

Then, a throbbing. A painful throbbing that he would do anything to stop. But, he can’t do anything, he’s paralyzed. No, he’s not paralyzed, he’s not in a body at all. There is a rushing sound, like the crashing of waves combined with the buzzing of insects, and a prickling sensation as he feels himself being dragged piece by infinitesimal piece into a heavy mass, like a fog condensing into droplets of water, then collecting and freezing into a solid chunk of ice.

 

\---------

 

He shivers. Cold.

He breathes. Painfully cold.

His eyes slide open. Dark.

So dark. He can’t move. So heavy.

He breathes again. His chest is heavy.

Blurred shapes. On his back, staring up.

Grey ceiling. Everything is grey.

Sensation showers him like needles.

He lifts his arm. Tiny threads anchor him.

He turns his head. A person sits on the floor. A slow, glowing vortex surrounds the person, rising to the ceiling.

His eyes move up again. He lies in a bunk recessed into a wall.

He can’t remember how he got here. He remembers a forest, then inside a stone building, then outside again. Someone was with him. Kylo Ren. Kylo was with him. He had been looking for Kylo and found him. When he found him, he was dead. No, he must have been alive because he remembers talking to him.  

His limbs feel too heavy to lift, and as the sensation returns, it feels like being stabbed all over by daggers. He twitches, unable to escape his body. 

The person sitting in the middle of the floor stands comes nearer to him and kneels next to him. He looks at him. He recognises those warm eyes and dark hair. The person smiles and touches his shaking hand.

He hears his own voice, his subconscious having made the connection before he was fully aware of it. “Kylo?”

“My Dear General,” the person says, lifting his hand to brush his lips across his knuckles.

“Where?” He barely has enough concentration to keep his eyes focused on this person long enough to discern his features while trying to remember his own name, let alone form full sentences.

“A shuttle, taking us back to _The Finalizer,_ ” The person, who he finally recognises as Kylo Ren, says. Kylo smiles a genuine smile. He had missed that smile.

“You’re happy,” he says.

“I know,” Kylo kisses him on the forehead, his eyes sparkling in the low light.

“You’re crying,” he says.

“I know,” Kylo drops his head into the crook of his neck, weeping. He lifts his hand to brush through Kylo’s stringy hair. His arm feels heavy, but he doesn’t want to let go.

Kylo lifts his head.

“No, don’t go,” he says.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Kylo says and stays with him for the remainder of their journey.

 

\--------

 

When he wakes again, Armitage finds himself in a familiar room. His-and Kylo’s-room. He has a headache worse than any hangover he has ever had. Not that he has had many to compare it to. He has many had migraines, though, and this doesn’t feel as bad as the worst of his migraines, so he’s thankful for that.

He tries to remember how he got here. He had landed on Ashas Ree and looked for Kylo. And found Kylo. He remembers only fragments. After finding Kylo, he doesn’t remember getting on a shuttle but has a flash of being on a shuttle. He thinks maybe he had gotten injured, or knocked out.

He had gotten into his bed somehow. He envisions Kylo carrying him through the ship, past all of his subordinates. The troopers, of course, wouldn’t care, their loyalty was ingrained, but some of the higher ranking officers might see an opportunity to usurp a weak leader. Discretion was never Kylo’s strong point.

He sits up and turns to ease himself off the bed when he sees Kylo sitting in a reading chair watching him, wearing an ill-fitting white shirt and grey pants.

“I don’t have any clothing here, I hope you don’t mind, I borrowed some of yours,” Kylo says, answering Armitage’s unasked question. Armitage doesn’t suppose that he will ever get used to Kylo reading his mind.

Armitage has to hold his head, the sudden movement has given him vertigo.

“Lights, forty percent,” Kylo says, sitting next to him, handing him some water. He hadn’t even noticed Kylo leave the chair. The lights in the room dim. He sips the water. Memories trickle back to him. He slides his arm around Kylo’s waist and Kylo turns so that Armitage can rest his head on his chest.

“I thought you were dead,” Armitage whispers, half to himself.

“I was,” Kylo says, “but I held on as long as I could, I wouldn’t let the Force take me because I knew you would come. And you did come, and you gave me a great gift. You put it inside me, and now it’s a part of me.”

Armitage doesn’t quite follow, but the sound of Kylo’s voice rumbling in his chest soothes his migraine, so he doesn’t interrupt.

“I have a clearer picture of everything, now. It’s like the difference between looking at something on a computer screen upside down and backwards to having it surround you in full, vivid color. I know what a narrow-minded fool I’ve been. But I also realised that Snoke is an even bigger fool. He didn’t see what was right in front of him, and neither did I.

"I spent weeks trying to get into that Temple, and you walked right up and the door opened for you. Not only that, you found a holocron, perhaps one of the most valuable holocrons in the galaxy, and you put it inside me.”

Kylo laughs. A joyful laugh. Armitage smiles, so happy to see Kylo happy. This is the reunion he had hoped for but hadn't gotten when he found Kylo on Ashas Ree.

“Oh, My Dear General, seeing you in the Temple made me happier than I've ever been in my entire life, but that Place, that Place...” Kylo’s expression falls and anger edges his voice, “I had to strangle any feelings of joy but it didn’t matter...I still...that Place... I couldn’t think straight. I’m sorry if my behavior was...alarming.”

Alarming. Yes. Armitage only remembers glimpses of what happened on the planet, but he remembers clearly that Kylo’s behavior had been alarming, he remembers doubting if he even was Kylo. That planet had warped his mind to the point where he doesn’t trust these memories. He listens to the rushing in Kylo’s chest. Remembering performing slapdash heart surgery on Kylo, he sits up.

“Shouldn’t you be in Medical?” He asks, “That fix I did on you was only temporary.”

“I already was. A few hours in a bacta tank and I’m golden,” Kylo says.

That memory at least was real.

“You didn’t need any artificial...anything?” Armitage asks.

“No. Well, a few small bone grafts, but that was all,” Kylo says, looking down and scratching his chest. Armitage suspects how he got that injury, and how he got those other wounds on his back, but he doesn’t want Kylo to feel even more ashamed, so doesn’t ask him outright.

“I’m so glad you are alright,” Armitage says.

Kylo smiles at him, “I’m glad you’re alright, too.”

 _“_...I am having a hard time remembering everything, it’s like waking from a dream, I’ll start to remember things, but then it’ll slip away,” Armitage says.

“Yes, that planet is very powerful in the Dark Side, those ruins, the Temple...I don’t think Snoke expected you to...um...be so resilient,” Kylo says, pulling Armitage close. Armitage doesn’t want to think about what Snoke’s true intentions for sending him to Ashas Ree might have been. He doesn’t want to think about anything right now, so he listens to Kylo’s soft breathing.

After a long moment, Kylo seems to have a sudden realization. “I thought you were being exceptionally forgiving,” he laughs, “But it’s because you don’t remember. I’m such an idiot.” He shakes his head, letting go of Armitage, and gets up from the bed.

“What?” Armitage asks, “I understand that you were, well, not yourself, neither was I, so, yes, I forgive you.”

“No, not that,” Kylo says. “I’m sorry, just know that I love you, and I would never hurt you. You trusted me, and I hope I haven’t destroyed that trust.” He exits the room before Armitage can shuffle off the bed. His head pounds, he feels dizzy, edges of his vision shimmer, preventing him from pursuing Kylo.

Dying hasn't made Kylo any less cryptic, Armitage thinks as he lies back down.

“Lights, fifteen percent.” He says, folding his arm over his eyes.

 


	6. Wed to the Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is gone and Poe may never forgive Kylo, but Kylo is certain that Ben's sacrifice was not made in vain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the shortness of this chapter but I'm out of town this week and I'd rather update with some regularity than post a longer chapter late.
> 
> No warnings for this chapter.

* * *

Kylo lies in the dark on the standard issue mattress, no bed dressing or pillows. He would have thought that at least a general would have had a nicer bed than the stormtroopers, unless this is the ’nicer’ bed, if so the troopers must sleep on duracrete slabs.

The bed is less comfortable as the bed in his room--his and Armitage’s. No wonder Armitage wanted to move into his quarters, and not the other way around. However, it’s much more comfortable than the slab he slept on at Snoke’s Fortress, and most certainly not as uncomfortable as the rocky ground he slept on while on Ashas Ree.

He finds himself over analyzing his mattress situation when his eyes erupt in tears. He feels even more lonely now than he had on Ashas Ree, or Snoke’s Fortress. He covers his eyes with his arm as if forcibly pressing back the tears would cease the flood of emotions that caused them.

Armitage doesn't remember.

Kylo remembers. Some of the dreams get muddled with reality, but he thinks that he remembers all of it. Well, most of it. Now that he tries to put everything together in a coherent, linear series of events, some of the memories don't seem to fit anywhere.

He remembers Armitage stabbing him in the heart every night. Those were dreams—nightmares.

He remembers screaming and pounding on the walls of the Temple until his knuckles bled, and from the scabs on the backs of his hands that must have happened.

He remembers talking to Poe, but cannot place him in either dream or reality, so he might have been a hallucination. Everything on the Sith planet had been poisonous, after all.

He remembers the pain the Darkness inflicted whenever he felt even an inkling of happiness. He couldn’t enjoy Poe’s company because he had to force himself to think of only the terrible things he had done to Poe.

He remembers dying and isn't sure where to place that, either. He has the hole in his chest to prove it, but it feels even less real than Poe. He doesn't want to remember dying, the terrifying Blackness swarming around him, tearing him to pieces.

He remembers waking up and seeing Armitage, and how he had to exert all of his energy and concentration to stifle his elation, fighting off the barrage coming from every direction like knives through his skull.

He remembers Armitage commanding him to kill him. He remembers doing it. Armitage must have felt that same terror as he did, that sense of being everything and nothing all at once, dissolving into the Force, losing his identity, his sense of self.

Then, he remembers bringing his lover back.

Without knowing it, the General had given him the power to return life from death. While he was not truly indestructible—he would still age and being blown to pieces would no doubt kill him—the General had also inadvertently given him something close to immortality.

By the will of the Force, he had been brought back, given a holocron heart, given knowledge of the Force few would even believe existed.

The Force had allowed Armitage entry into the Temple, instructed him to put the holocron in his chest, along with the violet-orange kyber crystal.

Armitage didn't know about that crystal, either, about how Kylo had forged it from Poe’s ashes. How, in forging it, he had not been able to drive out all its Light.

But it was that Light that had pulled him back. The ancient Sith on Ashas Ree, in their search for the formula for immortality, had neglected the most important element. Emotional attachments. Loved ones. Both the Light and Dark paths discouraged attachments, taught that they were a weakness. The Sith on Ashas Ree had all perished because of that vanity.

He had killed his lover to test his belief. But it was more than a belief, it was something he knew with perfect certainty but needed to prove. Like love. Or trust. Or loyalty.

Armitage had to let Kylo kill him to prove that he trusted him unconditionally. Kylo had to kill him to prove his loyalty, his willingness to obey Armitage’s command without question.

Had Snoke actually foreseen the outcome? Had he passed Snoke’s test or failed it? He isn't sure. He hasn't heard a word from the Supreme Leader, yet.

He doesn't foresee the Supreme Leader allowing their relationship to continue. Attachments were a weakness after all. Kylo now knew that they were essential, but the Supreme Leader still felt they were not only a weakness, but a chain, a prison.

He becomes aware of a presence.

Kylo lowers his arm from his eyes, Poe stands near the door as if he had just walked through it. His ghost form eerily illuminates the room with a pale greenish-blue glow.

“Poe,” Kylo says, sitting up.

“I can't apologize to Ben but I want you to know that even though I failed, I will not stop fighting,” Poe says.

“You didn’t fail. You saved me,” Kylo says.

“I failed Ben,” Poe says.

“Ben sacrificed himself for the greater good,” Kylo says.

“No,” Poe sighs, “His death was senseless, don’t try to make it sound noble.”

“I know that you may never forgive me, but I hope that you will at least one day understand that his death was not in vain,” Kylo says, getting up from the bed. “I couldn’t exist as two people. I thought that I had destroyed him before, but there was a piece of him left, fighting against me constantly. I had to rid myself of him before it tore me apart completely. I am stronger now than Ben could ever be.”

Poe shakes his head, “I don’t believe that. Ben wasn’t weak. He couldn’t let you bring more pain and misery to the galaxy. You were afraid that he would defeat you, and he could have defeated you," he says, then casts his eyes to the side, not wanting to show Kylo that ghosts could cry, muttering to himself, “I was supposed to help him defeat you...”

“But don’t you understand that you’ve done so much more than that? What good what it have done to save Ben, to bring him back to his insignificant life where he would continue to be frustrated at his constant failures? To continue to fight against something he knew he had no chance of defeating, to get beat down again and again?” Kylo says, earnestly grateful for the sacrifice made by Poe and Ben. “Now I have a chance of defeating Snoke.”

“If you’re going to continue to bring death and Darkness and oppression to systems that should be free, you’re no better than Snoke, or the Emperor,” Poe says, crossing the room towards him.

“People don’t want freedom, they want strong leadership, they want direction. Do you know what happens in systems without a solid government? They tear themselves apart. You get gangsters and warlords who cause more death and misery than the Empire ever did,” Kylo says.

“There’s a middle ground, Kylo. What you want, what Snoke wants, is just as extreme,” Poe says.

Kylo feels a warmth in his chest when Poe steps nearer. His crystal heart rings. He feels the Light, but it doesn’t overwhelm him as it did before. It doesn’t feel like a knife in the guts. He doesn’t fear it. He can push it back or pull it forth, choose to use it if he wishes and in the way he wishes. It doesn’t control him any longer, he has the ability to control it.

“I don’t want what Snoke wants. I understand that there’s a middle ground. I know that Light and Dark can be balanced. I can bring that to the galaxy, true balance. I can fulfill my Grandfather’s legacy.” Kylo smiles and says, “And that’s because of you. Ben would be proud of you.”

Poe gives him a look of destation that one would reserve for only their most despised enemy.

“Ben would never want this. He fought tooth and nail against this very thing, he never wanted a monster like you to come into power. You disgrace his name by even speaking it.” Kylo steps back, he had hoped that Poe would understand why Ben had to die

“You, you tortured and murdered me. Then crushed my body into that thing. You made it into a weapon. You resurrected me to make an implement of death. And now that my crystal is in your chest, I can never be free of you.

"You want me to feel some sort contentment at being your eternal prisoner? Feel pride at being responsible for saving the life of monster, at the death of my best friend, at further oppression of the Galaxy?  I am appalled and ashamed.

“And the worst thing is that you don’t feel any regret at all. You claim to care about the galaxy and its people, but power is all you care about and you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that what you’re doing is for some greater good, but it’s not. If you really cared, you would have let Ben come back to me.”

Kylo steps back, he had hoped that Poe would understand why Ben had to die. Poe's anger and devestating sadness twists like a knife in Kylo's heart.

 “Poe,” Kylo says, speaking like Ben would to Poe in  their private moments, “I still love you.”

Shaking with fury, Poe clenches his fists. “Kylo, you never loved me, you said so yourself. That was Ben Solo. Don’t try to manipulate me now, now that I know Ben is gone.”

Kylo says softly, “I’m not trying to manipulate you. I accept that, for a time, he and I shared the same body, fought for the same mind, and I still have Ben’s memories. I know why he loved you, and I can’t help but feel that way, too. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, it won’t change the way I feel.”

Poe looks even more appalled. He swings fist at Kylo, hitting him squarely on the nose. Kylo trips backwards, landing on the floor, taken completely off guard. He cups his hand over his nose, blood oozing between his fingers.

“I may be your prisoner, but never say that to me again!” Poe says.

“You’re not my prisoner,” Kylo mutters through his fingers. “I didn’t know that making this crystal would bring you back. I just wanted to have you near me.”

“Whether you wanted it or not, it’s what happened,” Poe says.

“You told me on Ashas Ree that you had come back of your own free will,” Kylo says, sitting up, blood streaking into his mouth.

“When I realized I had been brought back, I knew that it was my chance to save Ben, and I tried to. I guess this is my punishment for failing,” Poe says.

Kylo stands. "Please don't hate me. I really do lo--”

Poe shoots a condemning look at him.

“I will do everything in my power to destroy you,” Poe says, “I owe it to the Resistance, I owe it Ben, I owe it to Ben’s father. I will never stop fighting against you, you can count on that.”

Kylo looks at his bloody hands, and it seems fitting. He had hurt a lot of people needlessly, but it had been under the insidious tutelage of the Supreme Leader. Snoke had always intended to keep him under his thumb, to use him for his own ends and, when he had outlived his usefulness, discard him. He sees that now.

But, no, he wasn’t a monster, he had just been blinded by Snoke’s false preachings.

He would make it right.

He would destroy Snoke.

He would bring balance to the Force.

And he hopes that Poe would one day forgive him.

No matter what Poe feels for him, Kylo can only feel love for Poe. Not amorous or lustful, as Poe and Ben had loved each other in their youth, but something much more pure.

Having Poe's crystal in his chest, Poe has been bound to him in a way that lovers never could be. Kylo would not feel complete if they were to be separated.

The way planets love their suns, or fingers love their hands, they are two parts of a whole, wedded.

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading.
> 
> <3 <3 <3


	7. Death of a Single Cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedded with the Enemy; Killed by the Lover; Things can never be simple, can they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even the most morally upstanding person can go mad with power. These two don't stand a chance.  
>  
> 
> Chapter warnings: Blood, Stabbing

 

\----------

 

Kylo has been sitting in the dark, too anxious to sleep, when there is a tap on the door.  Kylo knows who it is and he dreads opening the door. He fears that Armitage has come to tell him what a monster he is, that he never wants to see him again. No one trusts him, and not without good reason, not that many people ever trusted him anyway, but now that Poe has lost hope for him, to have Armitage turn his back on him as well would shatter him.

“Lights, fifty percent,” Kylo mutters then shuffles to the door, hoping that if he takes long enough, maybe Armitage will leave. The door swishes open, Armitage stands there for a moment.

“I haven’t seen you two days,” Armitage says.

“I was, uh…” Kylo stammers.

“What happened?” Armitage points to the blood stain on the front of Kylo’s shirt.

“Oh, sorry about your shirt,” Kylo says, looking down at it. He wasn’t used to wearing white and usually ignored bloodstains. “Poe hit me, I think he broke my nose.”

“Poe?” Armitage asks. “Did you go to Medical?”

“I didn’t need to,” Kylo says. His holocron heart, his new understanding of the Force, had helped him heal faster.

Armitage still stands in the doorway, apparently waiting for an invitation to come in, even though it had been his room. Kylo stepped aside for Armitage to enter.

“Have you been in here this whole time? I couldn’t find you anywhere,” Armitage says. “Although, I suppose I should have looked here first.”

“I, uh, yeah, I guess I needed to rest,” Kylo says. He wonders why Armitage couldn’t find him with the Force, or if he even tried to.

“You could have rested in our room,” Armitage says.

“I didn’t think...well...I didn’t know if you...I mean, I thought...” Kylo fumbles over the words, afraid that Armitage will be just as angry with him as Poe was. He’d killed them both and brought them both back, and Poe described it as a prison. What if Armitage feels that way, too? He doesn’t sense any ill will from him, however, only concern.

Armitage sits on the bare bed. “I remember what happened.”

“You do? And...you don’t hate me?” Kylo asks.

“I can’t really hate you for doing what I asked, can I?” Armitage says.

“But I promised I would never hurt you and then I did,” Kylo says.

Armitage gives him a dispassionate look and invites Kylo to join him, “It was an unwinnable game. No matter what, you’d have to betray my trust.”

Kylo sits next to him, but can’t look at him, ashamed because Armitage is right, his loyalty is conditional.

Armitage puts his hand on the bed between them. “Tell me truthfully, and I’m not judging you and I know that Dark Side users seek pain as a means of strength, did you do that to yourself?”

Armitage doesn’t believe him about Poe--He has destroyed his trust.  
“No, Poe...it was Poe,” Kylo says, lightly touching his nose, but he can’t do anything to make Armitage believe him. Poe refuses to appear in Armitage’s presence. Kylo figures he probably sounds like he’s in denial, or at least hiding something.

They eventually end up lying side by side, leaning on the headboard, not touching, or even looking at each other for a long, uncomfortable moment. Kylo looks at his hands as he entwines his fingers nervously. He worries that Armitage will never trust him again. It didn’t matter that the game was unwinnable. It didn’t matter that he could bring Armitage back. All that mattered was that his obedience to Snoke dominated his loyalty to Armitage. He had failed.

He senses Armitage’s thoughts doubting him, piercing, pushing him away like cactus spines. Which does nothing to alleviate his own anxiety. He gets a faint impression that Armitage wants to stab him in the heart, but he’s not sure if that’s coming from Armitage or his own memories of nightmares. He also senses Armitage’s desire to be with Kylo, as someone would pine for a lover that was light years away, as if Kylo wasn't right there next to him.  The silence between them threatens to burn them up. He wants to either flee screaming or wrap his body around the man next to him.

“I wish there was something I could do to make you trust me, again,” Kylo says when the tension becomes unbearable.

As if waiting for that exact question, Armitage sits up onto his knees and says, “I think I know of a way,” pulling a military issue bayonet from his belt.

Kylo instinctually cringes back, flashing back to all those relentless nightmares.

Armitage puts his hand on Kylo’s chest. The touch feels like an electric current as Kylo’s and Armitage’s energies repel each other. Kylo backs even further away.

Armitage grabs the front of his shirt. “We’ll play another game. The rule is this: Tell the truth. And no more of your cryptic nonsense, I want the simple, straight forward truth.”

“And what’s that for?” Kylo nods at the knife.

“That’s up to you. This will be a reward if you follow the rule and are forthright,” Armitage says, “or it will be punishment for deception.”

“And you’ll tell the truth, too,” Kylo insists.

“Of course, it wouldn’t be fair game if I didn’t,” Armitage says.

“If it’s a fair game, shouldn’t I have a knife, too?” Kylo says.

“You already killed me, so this evens the playing field,” Armitage says, getting off of the mattress. He turns to face Kylo and orders, “Kneel in front of me.”

Kylo eases himself off the bed and onto the floor. He has never kneeled before anyone except the Supreme Leader. A clawing in the back of his head tells him he shouldn’t be doing this, he shouldn’t defy the Supreme Leader like this. But he has to, he wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance on Mustafar of destroying Snoke as long as he still felt compelled to obey him.

Armitage says, “I haven’t been able to sense you since the Temple because of your Force-cocoon. I need to cut it open to see if it’s really you underneath.”

“What?” Kylo asks. He worries that being on Ashes Ree has had lingering effects on Armitage, or maybe it was a side effect of dying, because he sounds more cryptic that Kylo ever did.

“Your Force-cocoon, I need to cut it open. When I put that new crystal in you, it made a cocoon like a vortex swirling around you. It repels my Force-strings and I can’t sense you through it.”

Armitage and his Force-strings again. That ‘cocoon’ might be what had given him his new awakening in the Force. He can’t let Armitage take that away. “You can’t cut that. It’s...it’s a part of me.”

“Your heart was a part of you, and I cut that out,” Armitage says, smoothing the flat of the blade along Kylo’s shoulders.

“This ‘cocoon’, as you call it, I think it has increased my power in the Force a thousand fold. If you cut it, I might lose that,” Kylo says.

Armitage kneels down to comb his fingers through Kylo’s hair, brushing it around his ear. “Is that all you care about? Power?”

“It’s not all I care about,” Kylo says, looking into his crystal eyes, sensing the longing to know that the person in front of him really was his lover, to not be filled with doubt. “I care about you.”

“Then the choice is easy, right?,” Armitage says, standing.

Is this a winnable game? Kylo thinks. If he does what Armitage asks, that will rebuild his trust. If he doesn’t, Armitage will forsake him, he’ll keep his new power, overthrow Snoke but, not being able to share his triumph with his paramour, it would be a hollow victory. Kylo nods.

“Take the shirt off,” Armitage says. Kylo does. Nothing but a few faint scars on his chest serve as a reminder of the act that freed him from Ben Solo. He had to have some skin grafts as well as bone grafts because the lightsaber had made too big of a hole for his body to mend itself with only bacta treatments.

Armitage looms over him touching him lightly on the back, making him bow his head. He hasn’t looked at it, but Kylo assumes the scarring on his back is just as vague as on his chest.

He feels the warmth of Armitage’s hand on his back. “I know how you got all those scars,” Armitage says. Kylo had thought, had hoped, that the bacta would have healed those smaller lash wounds completely. “I suspected it for a long time, but you did a good job of hiding it from me.” Armitage holds the knife point to the nape of his neck. “Why do you do it? Do you think it benefits you?”

Kylo sighs, “It had benefitted me, at some points—although possibly less and less, so I went back to it more and more. I tried to drive out the Light, or at least subdue it.”

“You used pain as a punishment,” Armitage says.

“No, I used it to gain strength,” Kylo says. “Snoke told me that feelings of...compassion were a weakness, so I tried to make myself stronger.”

“Punishment or not, I assume you didn’t do it for enjoyment,” Armitage says as he glides the knife blade across the back of his neck.  

Kylo shakes his head as a shiver moves through him, whispers, “No.”

Armitage pushes the knife tip into Kylo’s trapezius.

“Hey! I told you the truth!” Kylo says, jerking back and yanking Armitage’s arm away.

“That was your reward,” Armitage says.

“What?” Kylo shoves Armitage’s hand away and puts his own hand over the fresh wound. He feels a tugging as if a hook had caught in his shoulder and an attached line was being pulled tight. He peers over his shoulder, slaps at the wound, but neither sees nor feels a visible or physical hook. He cranes his head around to see better and discerns a shimmer extending from the cut like the finest silver thread catching the light as it quivers. In all his experience with the Force, he’d never seen anything like it. His eyes follow the thread up over his head until he blinks and it vanishes.

He sits with his mouth agape for a moment as the tugging sensation, small and thin as a needle, pierces deeper into him, into his heart. He feels Armitage pulling the other end of the String, even though he can’t see it any longer.

“How did you do that?” Kylo says, not sure if he’s more alarmed that Armitage stabbed him or that he could actually cut through a Force barrier with a knife.

“You gave me Force powers and then just left. I had to pretty much teach myself how to use them,” Armitage says, sliding the side of the blade along his thumb, wiping the blood off. “Having a visual aid helps me. Shall we proceed?”

“Do we need to?” 

“One String isn’t going to do much to restore my trust.” 

“Do you have to actually stab me?” Kylo asks.

“Yes,” Armitage says, “I tried to penetrate your cocoon without it,” he waggles the knife between his fingers, “But using the blade makes it much easier. I let you kill me, it’s the least you could do.”

Kylo sighs. If Armitage had to hurt him to regain his trust, he was willing to do that. He nods, lowering his head, genuflecting to Armitage again.

Armitage rests the blade tip just below the cut he had just made. “You said you repressed the Light, but I feel the Light in you.” 

“Yes. I know now that I don't need to repress it. I can use the Light now. I’m no longer afraid of it corrupting me.”

“You thought that Light would corrupt you?” Armitage asks.

“What Snoke taught me was wrong. You need Darkness to see the Light, but without Light, the Darkness surrounds you, obscuring what’s right in front of you,” Kylo says.

Armitage pushes the knife in. The warm, sensuous stinging Kylo feels as the blade slides in, piercing deeper like a long needle, starts to vibrate, almost hum. It feels more stimulating than painful.

“You think the Light is useful now?” Armitage asks.

“I know that it is,” Kylo says.

“But all you ever used to talk about was the power of the Dark, and how the Light was weak. Why the change of heart?” Armitage asks, withdrawing the blade, moving the tip down, making Kylo kneel lower.

Kylo smiles at Armitage’s unintentional pun. “Snoke told me that any feelings of love were a weakness, so I hid my feelings for you from him, but the Light seeped in. I tried to keep it small and caged. But when I saw Poe, it broke free and Ben Solo tried to come back. Thinking that the Light would destroy me, I had to end him for good. And I did on Ashas Ree.

“And while I dead, I learned what had happened there, at the Temple. The Sith Lords thought they had created a means to be resurrected, pure and whole and untainted by the Light. They made a pact with each other; they would all willingly die and they would combine their energies to be reborn, and in doing so would become more powerful. They all drank poison on the same night. They all died and not a single one of them was reborn.”

Armitage makes another cut, the blade gliding slowly and effortlessly. Kylo stifles a moan as the Force threads its way from Armitage into him, winding into his heart. It’s hot and he can feel Armitage’s pulse through it. He hasn’t felt his own pulse for so long, it’s alien and rousing.

“So, they hadn’t discovered a way to be resurrected?” Armitage asks.

“They actually had. They put that knowledge in this holocron,” Kylo taps his chest and looks up at him, “That’s why you were able to bring me back. But it wouldn’t have worked if there had been any other crystal in my lightsaber. I had made this one out of Poe Dameron’s ashes, and it carries his Light in it.”

Armitage lowers the knife, too shocked to give Kylo another cut, “You made a kyber crystal out of Poe’s body?”

“Yes.”

“And that’s the one I put inside you?”

“Oh, My Dear General, without even knowing it, you gave me immortality,” Kylo shrugs and grins with a childlike restlessness.

“Immortality?” Armitage looks more confused, not less.

“Yes, well, almost, and more than that, you gave me the power to bring you back from death as well,” Kylo smiles. He moves to stand up, wanting Armitage to share in his excitement, but Armitage points the tip of the bayonet into his shoulder, making him stay down.

“Don’t you believe me?” Kylo asks. How could Armitage not believe him? He had come back from death, wasn’t that proof enough?

“It didn’t work for those Sith because they didn’t have their hearts replaced by crystals made out of past lovers? That seems an oddly specific requisite. And an even more unlikely coincidence that you should have exactly that,” Armitage says without a hint of irony.

“It was the will of the Force, not a coincidence,” Kylo says, “The Light was the key, not that it was in a crystal. They forsook the Light completely, ignoring its power and potential. I wasn’t the first one to go to Ashas Ree to try to find this knowledge, those ruins have been there for hundreds of years hiding this holocron, but the Force choose you and me to receive this knowledge.”

Armitage kneels to look him straight in the eyes, pointing the knife right at his heart. “So you think we're special, chosen?”

Kylo exhales as Armitage makes a small cut. The Force thread wiggles its way in, and for a second, Kylo can see it shimmering. It feels like it penetrates more than his heart, branching into smaller threads that snake their way into his lungs, and spine, and up the back of his neck into his brain. Armitage is trying to read his physiology.

_It was the will of the Force that I gave you crystal eyes, and in exchange, I gave you my heart. So that you could see the Force-strings, and I could survive destroying Ben Solo. That you should ask me to kill Poe and I should make a crystal out his body, it’s too perfect to be a coincidence. We have been entrusted by the Force to do something very important with these powers._

“Can you read my mind?” Kylo asks.

“I was never very good at that, you must be projecting,” Armitage says.

Kylo smiles, slipping his hands around Armitage’s waist, "Together, we are far more powerful than The Supreme Leader."

“You want to overthrow Snoke,” Armitage says with a stern expression. “That’s a seditious notion. I think that your time on Ashas Ree has given you grandiose and irrational delusions. Or maybe it’s that treacherous crystal. Do you expect me to support you in this absolutely deranged idea?”

Kylo looks at the trickle of blood coming from the cut made in his freshly healed skin. He focuses on it, trying to see the String. He caresses Armitage’s back, but Armitage stops him, pushing his arms away from him.

Armitage stares at him unblinking, his infinite eyes inscrutable.

“You said you forgave me because it was an unwinnable game, but I now know how to win," Kylo says, putting his hands on Armitage’s chest, "All we ever had to do was disobey Snoke. But, we were obstructed by so many years of instilled obedience that neither of us considered that as an option. We never considered that there might be other rules.” 

“I said that I didn’t hate you, I never said I forgave you,” Armitage says, pushing him back.

“Do you?” Kyo asks.

Armitage purses his lips. The pulsating through the Force strings intensifies and Kylo feels a stinging apprehension.

Armitage shakes his head and says sadly, “Forgiveness has nothing to do with this. I'm not going to join you in committing treason. That is another unwinnable game.”

“If you won’t forgive me, then please at least trust me,” Kylo whispers.

“I don’t know if I can. You get a new heart made out of your past lover then have a sudden reversal of everything you’ve ever believed, and I’m just supposed to accept that?” Armitage starts to lower the blade, but Kylo wraps his hand around Armitage’s, bringing the knife back up to the small cut on his chest.

“Go ahead, if it will make you trust me,” Kylo says.

“It doesn’t matter if I trust you. I can't rebel against my own government, my principles and morals, everything I believe in. To attempt to assassinate my own Leader would make me no better than the Resistance. I would become what I've fought against my entire life,” Armitage says.

“It wouldn't be rebelling, it would be progressing. We can't advance any further in our cause as long as Snoke still holds power. His obsolete ideologies and severe practices have become detrimental to the First Order. We've gone as far as the Dark Side alone can take us.” Kylo still holds Armitage’s hand around the knife.

“That’s not you talking, Kylo, that’s not you at all,” Armitage says.

How can he make Armitage believe him? The more he tries to convince him, the more Armitage distrusts him. Kylo clamps his other hand over Armitage’s. “If it’s not a matter of forgiveness or trust, then what about love?”

Armitage shakes his head, “Love? Do you honestly think ‘love’ can save the galaxy? You’re even more deluded than I thought. Kylo would never say that. You were right, the Light has corrupted you.” With that, he thrusts the knife into Kylo’s chest up to the hilt, toppling Kylo backward.

A jolt like electricity stabs Kylo as the blade glances off his holocron heart, penetrating the aorta instead. Armitage leans on him, dragging the blade down, cracking the still delicate bone grafts. Kylo has to spend all of his concentration and energy on keeping the blood flowing where it’s supposed to.

Now completely vulnerable to Armitage’s Force-strings, Kylo can’t defend from the onslaught of what feels like a thousand of those barbed threads boring in through the gaping wound.

He hears Armitage screaming at him in his mind, amplified by the Strings and reverberating sharply,

“ _Do you even know?_ _Do you even know what you did to me? When you killed yourself half of me died with you! When I found you in that cave, I felt like the other half died! You murdered me! I let you fucking murder me! I didn’t go through all that hell just for that Resistance filth to make you his puppet!”_

Kylo tries to look at him but his vision is blurred from tears and a shockwave of the Force like he has never felt before. The one thing he can see is the shimmering cord made of thousands of tiny, ruthless threads as they hook and twist around in his chest, attacking the holocron like they are trying to tear it loose. No, not tear loose, tear into. They penetrate the holocron’s force-fields, weave around the crystal and yank it free.

Kylo feels like his soul is being ripped away as Darkness swarms around him, no longer held at bay by the Light of Poe’s crystal. He can’t stop the blood from pouring out. He loses his grip on his entire body, floating away from it. Floating away from any physical senses.

He sees Poe being pulled farther and farther away from him, getting smaller and smaller. He tries to pursue, but there is nothing to get any traction on. He exerts all his energy but is moving too slowly catch Poe, and Poe becomes a tiny dot before disappearing.

He's alone, floating. No one else is around. No one. Only himself, only Kylo Ren.

 

\------

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am taking a lot of liberties with how the Force works. None of this has any basis in anything canon (or non-canon EU, for that matter).
> 
> However,
> 
> since synthetic kyber crystals are made from basic carbon materials and you can have someone's ashes made into a diamond [(x)](http://www.lifegem.com/) I figure it's quite possible to make a kyber crystal from someone's ashes.
> 
> ~Also, I am going out of town to celebrate Halloween in D.C., so that's super exciting for me, I've never been to D.C., but it also means that the next chapter will probably be late, and I want to apologize in advance.~
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! 
> 
> And Happy Halloween!


	8. Only Kylo Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They kiss and make-up, because how could they not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've added some tags for this chapter. 
> 
> This chapter has some (very mild) sex in it, starting when they get in the shower, in case you wish to avoid reading that.

————

he floats somewhere  not in space  not in a space  not even in a body  so peaceful  so achingly lonely   he always ended up here    he always failed and was always sent here   always sent to this lonely purgatory

why did his loved ones always hate him?   why did they always send him away?   why did he never become One with the Force?  why did it always send him here?

he floats for a long time   lonely   he thinks that maybe Poe is here    he heads in a direction to see if he can find him    he comes across a tiny string    he follows the string and discovers that it is connected to him    the string jolts him    he is being dragged somewhere

He screams as he realizes he’s been snared again and can’t break free.

He’s pulled forcibly back into his wretched body.

 

_Don’t make me go back!_

 

Something strong holds him still.

“Calm down!” A voice says, “You’re okay, I got him out of you.”

He is looking at a something gray and blurry—a ceiling, it’s a ceiling. He’s inside a room.

He looks down, a red and shiny hand is on his chest, which is also red and shiny.

The weight of his own body feels like it’s crushing him. He tries to breathe, but the air keeps getting stuck halfway down causing him to make hacking noises instead.

"It's okay, just breathe."

He lies on the floor breathing as the world comes back into focus. When he thinks he’s gotten his breathing under control, he lifts his head up.

“Welcome back,” Armitage says, sitting back on his heels, wiping his bloody hands with a towel.

“Uuugh,” Kylo groans, pulling himself up onto his elbows. That was the second time he has had half of himself extracted violently from himself in as many weeks— and he feels like it.

He clutches his chest. This hurts worse than when he awoke to Poe’s crystal burning his insides.

 

_Poe?_

 

He winces, his voice raspy and weak, “...Where’s...Poe?”

As Armitage holds up the violet-orange crystal, Kylo notices the nearly imperceptible line connecting him to it.

Kylo reaches for the crystal but Armitage holds it away from him. And when he sits up, he sees even more of the faint lines coming out from him, but it’s hard to focus on them as they shimmer and fade like light reflecting off of water. They are pulled tight but don’t seem to be restricting him in any way.

“I believe everything you said, so you know why you can’t have this,” Armitage says. "You said that love was very powerful and I know that you still love him. I couldn't chance that you would turn on me."

"Poe's dead...You're jealous of a dead man."

"No, jealousy has nothing to do with this. This crystal was influencing and controlling you much more than you realized," Armitage says as he turns the crystal in his still partially blood-stained hands and looks at it.

Kylo lowers himself back down. He feels very hollow. This is the first time he has ever been alone in his body. It's liberating, exhilarating, terrifying, all at once. He feels empty but also a strange peace. For the first time, he feels no conflict within himself. 

No Ben. 

No Poe.

 

_Only Kylo Ren._

 

Armitage had said that he didn't sound like Kylo, but now he feels less like himself than he ever did. Being just Kylo Ren, he feels like half a person. Or more accurately, an incomplete person, with the potential to be filled.

 

There is a small tingling like pinpricks in his chest. Where Poe’s crystal had glowed and warmed him, this felt like a scrambling, scratching mass. He rubs the spot where the stab wound would have been and it seems to have healed.

 

It seems that he doesn’t need the crystal, the holocron holds more than enough power to serve as a perfectly adequate heart. He doesn’t understand. He had been certain that he needed that crystal. Had the Light deceived him?

 

He had been certain about the power of the Dark, Snoke had convinced him of such. Then, on Ashas Ree, he had been so certain about the importance of the Light. But now, now none of it made sense. Had Snoke been correct? Had the Light tried to corrupt him?

 

Poe thought he had been a good man devoured by the Dark. Armitage accused him of being controlled by the Light. What was the truth?

 

Armitage leaned over him, “You’re a mess. We both are. We should rinse off. ”

 

His head is swimming. He feels like a stranger in his own body. His entire belief structure is cracking and falling away under his feet. And Armitage wants him to take a shower?

 

Armitage puts a hand out to help him up. The gesture, the movement, the room, it all feels so small, so simple--only an outline of what it should be.

 

He recalls a time when he was nothing but a flicker in the back of Ben Solo’s mind, a single thread that would become the tapestry known as Kylo Ren. As Kylo Ren had been woven into Ben Solo, and as Ben had been yanked away, there are holes in the tapestry needing to be rewoven.

 

Armitage leads him to the refresher. Kylo feels the Force-strings pulling taut, coming from the stab wounds that Armitage had made. Hux had said that he had become Poe’s puppet, but now Armitage literally holds his strings.

 

Armitage turns on the shower and gets undressed. Kylo stares at himself in the mirror, leaning forward, trying to look into his eyes, trying to see if there is a human or a monster behind them.

 

“It’s nice and cold, just like you like,” Armitage says, coming up behind him.

 

“What do you see?” Kylo whispers.

 

“I see someone that seriously needs a shower,” Armitage says, “Come on now, being stranded on that planet didn’t make you bashful, did it?”

 

No, but it did change him. As it should have--that was the intent, after all. He just isn’t sure what he’s changed into.

 

He removes his remaining clothing and gets in the shower with Armitage. It’s very cold. It reminds him of the rain on Ashes Ree. It reminds him of the lonely desperation he felt there. He turns the temperature up.

 

“You healed fast,” Armitage says, tracing the red line on his chest.

 

“Yes,” Kylo replies, only half paying attention, watching as the red runs down his body, swirling around the drain before disappearing.

 

Armitage moves closer, putting his hands around Kylo’s waist, “How do you feel?”

 

Kylo shakes his head, “I’m not sure...kind of...empty.”

 

_Empty._

 

He realizes that’s what everything feels like, empty. He feels like this room, stripped of all its contents, of anything that gave it purpose and life. Empty, but possible to be filled.

 

“You are kind of thin,” Armitage teases, poking him playfully in the ribs.

 

“Well, I haven’t had anything to eat for weeks, except one ration bar.” A smile flashes across Kylo’s face, but only briefly. “But that’s not why I feel empty. I...it’s hard to explain. I feel like part of me is lost.”

 

_Lost._

 

But it was never there to begin with. So not really lost. But absent. 

 

Armitage sighs, “I'm sorry, but it had to be done, you were obviously under its control. I would never have put it in you if I had known. I thought you needed it.”

 

“It’s okay. The Force directed you to do it, but I have no idea why. I thought I needed it, too, that's why I'm so confused,” Kylo says, turning his face toward the warm spray, closing his eyes, the letting the susurrus of the water and the General’s arms around him soothe him.

 

Armitage kisses him on the neck. Kylo turns his head to catch the next kiss on his lips.

 

“Ah, yes, this is you,” Armitage says as their lips part. He glides his hand down Kylo’s chest to his stomach.  

 

“Is it?” Kylo asks, not sure himself.

 

“There’s a way to know for sure.” His hand moves between Kylo’s legs.

 

Kylo had shared his body with Ben his entire existence, and after Kylo had taken over, Ben had shared all his experiences in return. Any intimacy with Armitage had been tainted by Ben’s presence, either by Ben’s distant protests, or muted flashbacks of Ben’s memories of Poe. But, now alone in his body, he feels the terrifying freedom of someone that has always been caged, unsure of which direction to run.

Before he’d always try to run away from Ben, but was inescapably tethered to him, like a kite pulling against its string in order to fly. Now that string has been cut and he is floating--or falling--at the whim of whatever wind finds him.

 

_Help me._

 

He touches Armitage like an awkward adolescent. Armitage laughs, “That tickles! Why are you so nervous? I know it's been a while, but you're acting like you forgot how.”

 

Kylo contemplates for a moment. No, he hasn't forgotten, not the techniques, anyway, but he is having trouble putting them in order. He can’t remember how to start.

 

_I don't know what to do._

 

“Kneel in front of me,” Armitage says into his ear.  Kylo kneels and looks up at him, the spray of water making him blink.

 

Armitage runs his fingers through Ren’s hair as Ren takes him in his mouth. The water streams down Armitage’s body and Ren drinks it as it trails past his lips. Wet and fresh, it’s like tasting someone for the first time.

 

“Ah, so you do remember,” Armitage says.

 

Kylo does remember, but it’s like knowing how to swim and being tossed into a tempestuous sea. He’s at the mercy of the roiling waves, searching for a rock to cling to.

 

Kylo grasps Armitage’s thighs.

 

_Show me. Lead me._

 

Kylo’s grasping becomes a clawing. Armitage pushes his shoulders, “Oh, not too fast.”

 

He helps Kylo rise. They step out of the shower, leaving the water running. Kylo, refusing to let Armitage go for even a second, holds him around the waist, biting the back of his neck as they make their way to the bed.

 

“This bed is so uncomfortable,” Armitage says, falling onto it.

 

Kylo follows him. Wanting to taste every part of him, he starts with his feet, sucking his toes, then up the leg, the inner thigh--where he gets kneed in the face when Armitage reflexively jerks his leg. Kylo bites his knee in retaliation then kisses the spot apologetically.

 

_Let me worship you._

 

He kisses him above the belly button. Armitage flinches from the sensation, grasping Ren’s hair.

 

The Threads tug at him, not in a hurtful way, but disconcerting. He feels his surroundings in a way he never has before. The Threads reach out like tendrils and he can sense every coarse thread of mattress, the contrasting metal of the bed frame, the density of the floor, the shape of the room below.

 

He feels how all things touch and connect with each other. But the Force between him and his lover feel so cold, unsure. It feels as torn and incomplete as he does. 

 

_Please don’t hate me._

 

It’s cold, the room, the bed, the stale air, the mechanicalness of the ship and its crew. Armitage feels like the only warm, alive thing in the Galaxy. He realizes that he and Armitage have never so much as kissed in this room.

 

He remembers taking advantage of his love, of taking advantage of everyone that ever loved him. He did it in pursuit of some aspiration. He had a purpose, long ago, a goal that seemed so clear at the time, but that goal has been broken and warped. And he thinks that maybe it was broken and warped from the beginning but his understanding of it had also been broken and warped.

 

_Forgive me._

 

Ren puts his head on Armitage’s belly. Hot tears sting against his cool skin. Why did he destroy his trust? Why did he destroy his love? Why does he always destroy everything he touches? He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. He doesn’t deserve love.

  
...

 

“Kylo, I forgive you.”

 

Those are the most joyous words he’s ever heard in his life. He looks up, his lover smiles at him and strokes his hair.

 

“I don't deserve it,” Kylo says.

 

Armitage sits up and embraces Kylo, saying softly, “I might be an idiot for saying this, but I love you.”

 

“How could you love me? I mess up everything. I always make the wrong decisions. I...”

 

“I'm stupid enough to forgive you for killing me once, but don't make a habit of it,” Armitage says and gives him a quick, bright kiss.

 

Kylo vows to never give Armitage a reason to doubt him ever again. He would never again divide his loyalties. He would worship at his feet and follow him to the ends of the universe. Armitage deserves no less.

 

“I promise I will never hurt you again. I will protect and obey you. I will revere you like a god and master. I will do anything for you. I will rip the skies asunder for you. I will-”

 

Armitage puts a finger on Kylo's lips. “How about you get on me and we'll go from there?”

 

After wetting Armitage again with his mouth while Armitage uses his fingers on him, he positions himself with his hands on Armitage’s chest. The cold of the room and the roughness of the bare mattress fade behind the rising excitement Ren feels as he lowers himself onto him. With Armitage’s hands on his hips, they move slowly together.

 

The Threads contract, tighten, surrounding the two, isolating them from the room, the ship, the rest of the Galaxy. Armitage’s heart beat pulses within him and it feels as though they are the only two beings in existence.

 

Armitage eases Kylo down onto his back. Ren feels himself becoming whole again in the only way he knows how to be whole—with another.

 

As the rooms swims, Kylo can see it, his Force-cocoon, coming into focus. It appears like thin, wispy threads, swirling above them and all around them, enshrouding both of them. The threads become more numerous, branching out, twirling, scintillating.

 

Kylo feels the tattered shreds of himself being woven back together, Armitage adding his own Force-threads to fill in the empty spaces. Armitage secures the loose threads, weaving them back together, keeping Kylo from fraying into small pieces and floating away like leaves in a gray autumn wind.

 

He feels something akin to being whole again. But it’s not quite whole, it’s more like new, like everything he ever was has replaced. Everything he ever believed may as well have been a child’s fairy tale.

 

Snoke had led him astray, the Light had deceived him, yet he still trusts that the Force has a design for him. But he needs guidance to bring that design to actualization.

 

\------------

 

They lie together on the bed. Kylo clutches Armitage around the waist in a tight embrace.

“You don't have to hold me so tight, I'm not going to blow away,” Armitage says.

“I might,” Kylo says.

“I promise you won't,” Armitage says.

“I saw the Strings. I watched you weaving them. They were beautiful,” Kylo says, loosening his grip only slightly.

He had felt lost and aimless for a very long time. The more he trained under Snoke, the more doubtful he became, the further away he got from himself. And when he destroyed Ben he realized that he hadn’t been getting further away but that he was never fully there to begin with. The parts that were left didn't make up a whole person.

So desperate to be filled, Kylo had allowed the Light to permeate those empty spaces. He should have been more cautious, he knows that now.

But Armitage had saved him. He had stripped away the delusions, the self-destruction, and had woven into those holes meaning and achievable potential. Armitage had command of the Force in a way no one else could match, and his resolve was strong enough for the both of them.

The Force never designed Kylo to have the ultimate power that Snoke and the Light had both promised. He would always need someone else. He realizes that the answer was in front of him the entire time. His lover, his master, his rock.

 

\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter. (For some reason, I thought I could write two fics at once and it's been a very distracting week) So to make it up to you, I will post another chapter within a few days.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks For Reading <3 <3 <3


	9. Sabers and Treason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux sends Kylo to investigate Snoke's newest machination. But, the disastrous result shakes Hux's faith in Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Loss of limb (because Star Wars)

 

 _The Finalizer_ and several other ships have been directed to rendezvous in an area on the Mid Rim border of Wild Space. Supposedly, they are preparing to intercept a neutral faction that has been reportedly delivering supplies to the Resistance, but it seems like overkill to send their largest Star Destroyer.

Hux gripes to himself that The Supreme Leader has some personal agenda. Kylo hears him. Kylo has stayed by his side for the past several days, and it seems to be getting on Hux’s nerves.

“You don’t have to follow me everywhere,” Hux tells him, “In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

“I apologize, General,” Kylo says. “But I haven't heard from the Supreme Leader and have been given no assignments.”

The General thinks for a moment, then says, “I have an assignment for you. I’d like you to investigate this system we’re headed to, Ghel-Resh. Find out if there is any reason The Supreme Leader would be sending us there aside from some small group of dissidents. This hardly seems worth sending this many ships.”

“Yes, General.” 

As he heads to the archive room, he feels the Threads pulling tight, not restricting or controlling, just Hux letting him know that they are there.

 

Kylo finds a few fragments of captains’ logs from merchant ships that had been contracted to bring provisions to a settlement on Ghel-Resh III. The deliveries lasted about a year until one day the supply ship landed to discover the settlement deserted. From what Kylo could piece together, a settlement on the otherwise uninhabited Ghel-Resh III was used as a small training ground for Force-users who had either come into training later in life or had been expelled from other training facilities. It wasn't clear whether it focused on Jedi or Sith methods. It had only lasted about a year, according to the reports, but there was no reason given for what happened to it. Other than those logs, Kylo finds no other information.

It isn’t all that unusual to have little information about non-inhabited planets or moons. And there are often small, quasi-religious factions that will sprout up only dissolve soon after from lack of proper foundation, organization or skill. Usually, they are started by rebellious novices that have scant knowledge of the Force and little or no Force abilities. These small coteries usually don’t pose any threat to the First Order as they build no real power and tend to burn out on their own.

Kylo records his findings and delivers them personally to the General, in case Snoke might be intercepting their communications.

“What do you make of it?” Hux asks Kylo after skimming the report, “You know Snoke better than I. Do you think he has an ulterior motive?”

Kylo tightens his lips. He has pledged his obedience to Hux, even if it meant defying the Supreme Leader. He swore it. Yet he still feels a cold clamp of defiance in his gut when he says, “Yes, but I don’t know what. It will have something to do with the Force energy there, I’m positive of that.”

“Do you think if you investigated the location, you might be able to figure out what he’s planning?” Hux asks.

“Possibly,” Kylo replies.

“I’d like to find out before we engage any threats there, so I am going to send you and a small squad of Stormtroopers ahead of our scheduled arrival. This is strictly a reconnaissance mission,” Hux told him.

“General, not to question your orders, but, for a recon mission, it might be better if I went alone,” Kylo says.

Hux looks at him, expressionless. But Kylo can read his thoughts. Hux is trying to determine if Kylo is trustworthy enough to send alone. He could easily overpower any troopers sent with him if he did intend to betray Hux. So Kylo agreeing to it would only be a superficial show of good faith.

Placating gesture or not, Hux insists, “I’ll assign you four troopers and a pilot. They are for your protection. You may leave them on the ship if you feel you don’t need them once you’ve landed. Meet them in Hangar Seventeen in an hour. A shuttle will be ready for you.”

“Yes, General,” Kylo says then bows his head before leaving to prepare for the assignment.

 

Kylo doesn’t don his usual accouterments. His tunics and robes are on Snoke’s Fortress, and he never replaced his mask, so he borrows a dark gray First Order coat and canvas field pants from Hux’s closet. His lightsaber has a dangerously broken crystal, and he doubts that Hux would give him the violet-orange crystal to put back in it. But, as he has no other weapon, he clips it to his belt.

 

Kylo meets the four troopers that will accompany him. A skim of their minds reveals them to be hand-picked by Captain Phasma. Proven exceptionally high in loyalty, which included informing on their fellow troopers to the Captain of even the slightest infractions, they have all been slated for promotions. Kylo does not doubt that any unusual actions on his part will be immediately reported to Phasma. Kylo nods to them. They nod in return and follow him onto the small shuttle.

The pilot takes them to a nearby orbital station where they switch to an unmarked transport ship. Making use of a hyperspace ring, they arrive at the Ghel-Resh system within a few hours and a full day ahead of _The Finalizer’s_ scheduled rendezvous.

As they approach Ghel-Resh III, the smallest of the planets in the system, the pilot announces, “A small cargo ship is landing in the settlement area.”

Kylo instructs her to land some distance away. The lush environment conceals the transport well enough, although anyone with scanner capability would have detected their approach.

Kylo exits the ship. The four troopers follow him. The bright white of their armor is ridiculously obvious. Stormtroopers were never intended to be stealthy, relying on intimidation and numbers when entering a fray. Kylo also typically relied on physical presence, and, without his mask and black robes, he feels very small. There is no point in asking the troopers to try to be surreptitious, so they march straight towards the settlement.

The settlement appears to be no more than crude encampment, with makeshift structures and a dirt landing pad. The cargo ship had landed in the clearing. Two reptiloids with orange, scaly skin and small horns carry a crate to the ship, while another stands off to the side looking at a data pad. There are several crates stacked outside the ship.

Kylo and the troopers had been less than sneaky, but none of the three reptiloids seem to be alerted to their presence. As his mission was information gathering, not engagement, Kylo allows the reptiloids to finish loading and take-off, leaving behind the stack of crates. Kylo concludes that the reptiloids brought empty crates and left them to be filled with whatever it was that they have been delivering to the Resistance.

Kylo mentally scans the ramshackle buildings for life forms and does not detect anyone. After waiting a sufficient amount of time to make sure that no one was coming to get the crates, he and the troopers investigate the encampment.

The buildings are devoid of any furniture or things, aside from the occasional oddity, like a child’s toy or a broken plate. It appears that this had been a temporary settlement, but seems unlikely that anyone currently lives here. The crates, as Kylo suspected, are empty.

Kylo feels for the Force energy that been reported. All life forms emit some amount of Force energy, and the amount he senses from the dense forest doesn’t seem beyond what would be expected.

“Spread out and search the surrounding forest,” Kylo tells the troopers, “Look particularly for hidden bunkers.” Kylo suspects that there is a buried complex. The encampment would not have been able to facilitate more than a few dozen inhabitants, and the reports had indicated that there had been at least several hundred at some point, so, unless they had been living in the trees, that left no other option but underground.

Several meters from the clearing area, Kylo senses a _widening_ of the Force, like a folded fan opening, revealing that it is far bigger than first discerned.

Scuffing his boot around on the ground, he finds a steel door embedded into the side of a slope. It doesn’t appear as if anyone had used this door in a long time, as it had been overgrown, not merely hidden with dirt and leaves. Kylo unlocks it easily and peers in.

The cave is partially supported with steel reinforced sections of the walls and ceiling, but there are bare patches of earth and rock and an earthen floor. As he enters, some small illuminators scattered along the walls come to life. Many of them flicker. He guesses that they are solar powered, but that the panels must also be overgrown.

The Force in here, while stronger than outside, still feels like an outline, a blueprint, lacking substance. It has tremendous potential, but only in the hands of someone that had the mastery and knowledge to shape it.

He makes his way along the downward-slanting tunnel. Not far in, it opens up into a bigger chamber. The dim flickering of the illuminators doesn’t reveal much, but the Force vibrates intensely in a section of the wall. Kylo touches the wall where the Force feels the strongest.

There is a hidden compartment in the wall and Kylo opens the lock without a problem. Inside he finds a stock of lightsabers. He ignites one, illuminating the room with a pure white light. He powers down the white saber and is about to contact the troopers when he senses a presence and turns to see Poe.

Poe stands still, his silhouette outlined by the dim light. He does not glow like a ghost but appears grimly real. Saying nothing, Poe holds up a lightsaber and ignites it, the blade a piercing green. Kylo recognizes the lightsaber instantly.

Stunned, Kylo asks, “Where did you get that?”

“The lightsabers of fallen Jedi, if destroyed in the material realm, join their masters in the hereafter. You know that.” Poe tells him.

Kylo says, “That was Ben Solo’s saber, why do you have it?”

Poe nods and says, “He said it would be awkward to avenge his own death, so I have the honor.” Poe lunges at him, but he steps out of the way, dropping the white saber to draw his own, unstable blade.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kylo snorts, “You have no chance against me.”

“If there is any chance at all, I have to take it,” Poe says and lunges again.

Kylo parries Poe’s attack. He’s not sure if it’s possible to kill a Force Ghost, but he doesn’t attempt a killing blow or any offensive strikes at all—somewhere deep inside him, he still feels compassion for Poe.

Poe swings again, and Kylo’s saber crackles fiercely as the two blades clash, sparks flying off. The wild blade is difficult to control with any precision, flickering erratically between a single and a split blade. The hilt begins to warm unpleasantly.

“I don’t want to fight you, Poe, please believe that,” Kylo begs as he parries another thrust.

“I don’t care what you want, monster,” Poe yells, charging. Kylo defends the charge, holding his saber in front of him as Poe slams him into a wall. Kylo grunts, the wind knocked out of him. Ghost strength, he thinks, remembering when Poe had joked about it.

“You took everything from me!” Poe says, holding him against the wall, their crossed sabers spitting and hissing. Kylo blinks from the sparks coming off and winces as the hilt becomes unbearably hot.

"Killing me isn't going to bring any of it back," Kylo says.

He pushes Poe backward, but Poe rebounds like a coiled spring, thrusting at Kylo’s head. Kylo ducks out of the way as the green blade penetrates the wall with a _sizzle_. 

"True, but it will feel oh so good." Poe jerks the blade from the steel wall, leaving a red hot pit, and spins on Kylo in a move only a trained swordsman or a complete fool would attempt.

Poe strikes Kylo’s saber in the crook of the crossguard, breaking the casing. Kylo’s saber flares as the quillon flicks up like an electric flame to join the main blade. The heat from the hilt has burned holes in his glove. The blade is not so much a blade any longer, but a fluttering fan of plasma.

Poe swings and Kylo moves to block it. His saber crackles angrily as the blades clash. A flash blinds him. His hand burns. A searing pain shoots through his arm. He lands on the ground and scrambles in a direction that he hopes is away from Poe, still blinded.

“In here! In here!” He hears someone shouting. The troopers hasten into the chamber. 

“We have to get you back to _The Finalizer_ as soon as possible,” one of the troopers says, kneeling to hold Kylo in a surprisingly comforting way, and contacts the pilot to bring the transport to the clearing.

A pulsating, bright blob obstructs the center of his vision. He blinks, but that only makes the blob flash in an even more disorienting way. He can see the white of the troopers’ armor in the edges of his vision, but that’s about it.

“There is another cargo ship approaching,” Kylo hears the pilot’s voice over a trooper’s comm.

“There’s no sign of your attacker. They must have run further into the complex. Should we pursue?” A trooper says.

“Nevermind him. Take all the lightsabers from that cache. We need to leave immediately,” Kylo says, not sure if he should be more worried about his impaired eyesight or the freezing hot pain in his arm.

As they lift him to carry him to the transport, he hears, "Get him to the shuttle", “Get the sabers", "Get his arm!”

 

He is lying on a hard bench on the transport, two of the troopers fussing over him with bacta and bandages from the first aid kit, when he realizes that his arm has been severed just above the elbow.

 

\-------------

 

On _The Finalizer_ , Kylo lies in a bed in the medical bay while a male nurse and two droid nurses in the next room assess his condition. His eyesight had returned on the shuttle, and the first thing he had seen was his maimed arm. He doesn't want to look at it again. He glances sideways at the bandages. Repulsed and ashamed, he looks away again.

He really botched this one up. The damage to his pride was the worst part. His compassion for Poe gave Poe the advantage. He was such a fool. He doesn’t know how he’s going to explain it to Hux.

The nurse, holding a data pad up like a shield, cautiously approaches Kylo. Kylo glowers at him.

The nurse clears his throat and says, “I’m very sorry, Master Ren, but-” before Kylo hurls him into the wall. The nurse cowers as Kylo storms out of the room. Kylo grabs one of the droids. “Where is the head of surgery? I want to speak to someone competent.”

A doctor and two more nurses rush in. Kylo flings one of them aside before he notices that they are followed by General Hux.

“Calm down!” Hux orders. Kylo freezes, dropping the droid. Hux looks over at the nurse getting up off the floor. “I’ll not have you injuring any of my crew.”

Hux asks that everyone leave the room then puts his hand on Kylo’s shoulder. “It’s not their fault, your arm was too damaged to make it viable to reattach. Now, please let the doctors do their jobs. We need to discuss your findings as soon as possible.”

Kylo looks away, not wanting to see his grotesque stump or Hux’s disappointed expression.

“Kylo,” Hux says again, “let them do their jobs.”

“Yes, General,” Kylo mutters.

“We’ll talk later,” Hux says in a softer tone.

Kylo nods.

Hux leaves and Kylo reluctantly gets back on the bed. The doctor and nurses come back in.

He doesn’t look at them or say anything during the procedure.

 

—————

 

Kylo stands, scowling, in front of his mirror. His artificial arm shimmers a dark blue. He opens and closes the fist, growling in frustration. Controlling it is like trying to thread a needle with bare hands in a snowstorm, in the dark.

Too frazzled to focus properly, he seeks solace in his meditation chamber. All of his relics are gone, only bare shelves remain. He sits and tries to find his center. The residual Darkness vaguely consoles him. His arm feels like it’s suspended in ice water filled with electric eels.

He pushes his mind away from the freezing sensation. He tries to focus on the significance of Ghel-Resh III. Snoke obviously wants it for it’s Force energy. But the energy there is neutral, not as powerful as Light or Dark. He recalls that crude and incomplete feeling he had gotten from it. It resembles the feeling he’s getting from his chamber. It resembles how he himself felt after Hux had removed Poe’s crystal. _Empty_. _Waiting to be filled_.

He knows why Snoke wants it.

He borrows another of Hux’s white shirts and heads to the bridge for his debriefing.

 

Kylo approaches Hux in the middle of a conversation with Supreme Leader Snoke.  

“Allow any ships to take off and then destroy them,” Snoke’s desktop hologram orders. He seems no less intimidating at this size.

“Wouldn’t it be wiser to capture them if they have useful supplies, and we could procure the ships as well,” Hux says.

“They have nothing useful for us,” Snoke says. “When you’ve destroyed the ships, go to the installation and kill anyone remaining. Once the area is cleared, we will set up a training ground. The ships with personnel and supplies will meet you there. My most recent procurement of infants is on _The Moonburst_ and will be sent down as soon as possible. I want this facility up and running within the week.”

“There are other, more favorable locations for a training ground,” the General protests.

“Don’t question my orders, General.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux says sourly.

Snoke’s hologram fades.

 

Before Hux can ask, Kylo says, “He wants to the location to train force-sensitive children.”

“Are you sure?” Hux asks.

“The energy there is very raw and primal. I can understand why Dark or Light users would shrug this place off as being deficient in the Force. But it isn’t. It’s just undeveloped, but the potential is there--like a Force-sensitive child,” Kylo says.

“Undeveloped Force-energy? Why would this be preferable to a location that had more mature Force-energy?” Hux asks.

“I think that it will continue to develop with the presence of Force-sensitives. That is, they would develop together, in a synergistic way. And without a barrier between Light and Dark, a child growing up there may be able to learn to use the Force more effectively.”

“Would there be any other reason to want this location? I doubt many children on  _The Moonburst_ are Force-sensitive, and if there are, it would be purely coincidental.”

“Everyone is Force-sensitive to some degree. And, as you have seen first hand, a physical connection to kyber crystals can increase that sensitivity,” Kylo says. “I believe that kyber crystals grow there. It might be an experiment to see if Force-sensitivity can be induced by proximity. Increased Force-sensitivity would give troopers a great advantage, even if it isn’t equal to the abilities of a Jedi.”

“If that was his plan, why keep it secret from me?” Hux frowns and turns to look out the window.

Kylo shrugs, but they both knew why. The Supreme Leader doesn’t trust Hux. Hux had risen through the ranks towards his own aspirations, but Snoke intended for him to be nothing but a tool. When the General is no longer useful to Snoke's scheme, Snoke would be rid of him.

“Well, then...” Hux sighs then stares out the window in contemplation for several moments.

He turns back to Kylo and asks, “How is your arm?”

“I hate it.”

“Hmmm, do you want to talk about it?” Hux asked softly. “I can take a few minutes if you’d like to go back to the room.”

“Uh,” Kylo stammers, embarrassed. Hux seems to think that Kylo needs to be comforted. And, while he would like that, he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“No, it’s fine, I can talk about it here,” Kylo says, “I chose the metallic instead of synth skin because if I’m going to be part machine, I shouldn’t want to hide it. I should be reminded of my failure.”

“Let’s go to our quarters for a moment. Some privacy would be appropriate, I think,” Hux says.

 

When they are alone together in their room, Kylo can think of him as Armitage, his lover, not General Hux.

Armitage sits on the bed and Kylo sits next to him, leaning against his chest, relieved to have the weight of formality lifted.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Armitage asks.

“Not really,” Kylo says.

“The reason I ask is because the troopers reported that they didn’t see anyone in that bunker with you,” Armitage says.

“You still don’t trust me?” Kylo says, pushing away and standing up. “You think I intentionally caused my lightsaber to explode? You, you think I cut my own arm off? How could I even do that after my saber blew up?”

Armitage says, “The troopers said there was another lightsaber near you on the floor.”

Kylo looks him, then at his awful mechanical arm, then back to Armitage.

“Kylo, I love you and I care about you but I need our relationship to be more than that; I need to know that I can trust you.”

“I don’t know what else I can do to make you trust me,” Kylo says, kicking a chair over.

“Well, for starters, you can stop throwing fits every time something doesn’t go your way,” Armitage says, standing up to gesture with more authority. “I need to be absolutely positive that you are in complete control of your faculties. Not just for my safety, but for your own as well.”

“I can’t believe that you would take the word of a stormtrooper over mine.” Kylo turns toward the door.

“Don’t you dare storm out!” Hux shouts.

Kylo feels Armitage pull his Strings with enough force to yank him to the floor.

“Ow!” Kylo exclaims, “You know, even if I wanted to do anything against you, I don’t think I could. You’re stronger in the Force than I am. I don’t know why you are being so paranoid.”

“We can make the First Order the Galactic Power it should be. I want you to stand by my side, but your self-destructive tendencies could be detrimental, for both of us, for the First Order.” Armitage says, holding his hand out to help Kylo up. “I love you, but my love for the First Order comes first. Do you understand?”

Self-destructive? Kylo looks at his clenched mechanical fist. He knew his saber had been about to explode, but he didn’t grab any of the others available. In fact, he’d thrown down the white saber in favor of his broken one. Why? He didn’t fight Poe with any aggression, allowing his compassion to get the better of him. Had he, when he knew that his saber was about to explode, giving Poe a split-second advantage, allowed Poe to make the hit?

He takes Armitage’s hand, but instead of standing, he kneels and says, “I understand your loyalty to the First Order, so please understand my loyalty to you is just as strong.”

Armitage says warmly, “Kylo-”

“You’re my Master. You are the one I will follow. I will do what you ask of me, even if it means going against Snoke or the will of the Force.”

Armitage sighs, “Okay, stop being overly dramatic and get up.”

Kylo remains kneeling. “You’re right, I’m self-destructive, I'm unstable, I lose my temper a lot. You think I completely lost it and cut my own arm off, but, I swear to you, I didn't. You're worried I might just snap one day and hurt you, but I swore I would never do anything to hurt you. Please believe me.”

Armitage takes something out of pocket.

He holds Poe’s crystal between his fingers and looks at it, or rather looks through it at Kylo.

Armitage says, much to Kylo’s shock, “You’re right about Snoke, he is not acting in the best interest of the First Order. We can defeat him.”

Kylo reaches for the crystal, “What…?”

Armitage holds the crystal away from him.

Kylo says, “Maybe it’s not me you should be worried about. Are you sure you're thinking clearly? That thing was controlling me."

“I am thinking more clearly than I ever have,” Armitage says. “Yes, this was controlling you, but it’s not controlling me. I have no emotional attachment to it, except our shared experience of killing the scoundrel. I used it to strengthen our Bond by reconstructing this Force-barrier around us. Now that I know I can use it to tap into a storehouse of power, I am confident that we can defeat Snoke.”

“But, you said that it was treason,” Kylo releases his grip on Armitage’s hand and stands.

“It’s not treason if I’m acting in the best interest of the First Order. And I think overthrowing Snoke would be in our best interest. However, I would never stage a coup against the Supreme Leader unless I could be assured victory." Armitage holds the crystal up, "With this, we are assured victory.” 

Kylo doesn’t quite understand Armitage’s sudden change of attitude. He thinks that the crystal is influencing him. But, this is what he has wanted. He wants to serve the General and not Snoke nor anyone else. He wants the General to rise in power. 

Armitage's voice darkens, “Now do you understand why my faith in you needs to be rock solid?”

“Yes,” Kylo nods. A lump catches in his throat and he feels like his stomach has just jumped off a cliff. In the back of his mind, he perceives that Snoke knows of his treachery. And in the front of his mind, he hopes that Armitage cannot sense his apprehension. 

Armitage scrutinizes him for a long, uncomfortable moment, then says, “We will need to find systems that will support us, but that we can swear to secrecy. This is not going to be an easy undertaking. Do you think any of the other Knights of Ren will assist us?”

“The Knights of Ren will neither support nor oppose us,” Kylo tells him. “But it will not be as difficult as you think. Snoke’s fortress is heavily protected from the outside, but if we get inside, it has a skeleton crew and very few trained guards, mostly droids.”

“How do we get in without having a fleet of ships to break through the defenses?” Armitage asks him.

“It’s very simple. We wait for him to summon us,” Kylo says.

“So, you think just the two of us can just kill him if we can get inside the Fortress?” Armitage asks, skeptical.

“Yes, there are less than ten guards to worry about. The rest of the crew will be subdued easily.”

Armitage considers Kylo’s suggestion. “Won’t Snoke sense our plan?”

“Yes, but it won’t matter. With your ability to see the Force-strings, you’ll be able to perceive any trap he sets for us,” Kylo says.

“The Force-Strings don’t help with reading minds,” Armitage reminds him.

Kylo thinks for a minute. “I think that won’t be a problem, you won’t need to predict his every move, but I’m confident you will still be able to defend against anything he throws at you.”

Armitage studies him with his piercing stare. Kylo senses that he is still trying to determine Kylo's loyalties. Kylo wishes that Armitage could read his mind so that he would know just much Kylo worshiped him and would never betray or hurt him.

“Do you think it’s likely that he’ll summon both of us?” Armitage asks.

“Yes. He sent me to Ashas Ree to get this,” Kylo taps his chest, “and I’m certain that he still wants it.”

“Why do you think he’ll request to see me as well?”

“Because you were the one to open it,” Kylo says.

“Hmmmm. No, that relies too much on speculation and waiting," Armitage says. "We need something that will guarantee to get his immediate attention.” 

 

The time of their ambush arrives. They have been informed that three cargo ships had landed. Instead of shooting down any ships that attempted to leave the planet, Hux orders a platoon of troopers led by Kylo Ren to land at the settlement site, take prisoners and bring all cargo to _The Finalizer_.

 

That, indeed, will get The Supreme Leader’s attention.

  
  
\----------


	10. Fruit and Plans

 The Mission on Ghel-Resh III has gone smoothly. The smugglers have surrendered without a fight and are being brought to _The Finalizer_.  

General Hux meets Kylo Ren in the hangar as the seized cargo ships and prisoners are brought in.

“Take them to prison levels One and Two,” Hux tells the lieutenant Stormtrooper.

As the prisoners are led away, Kylo approaches him.

“So, what were they smuggling?” Hux asks.

“Fruit.”

“Fruit?”

Kylo elaborates, “Aurilian fruit. It’s an illicit fruit that has been placed on the restricted vegetation list by the Republic due to its hallucinogenic attributes. So, it’s ironic that they are smuggling them to the Resistance. However, it’s unlikely that the First Order will have any use for them.”

“Hmmm,” Hux says,“ And these cargo ships are absolute junk, so The Supreme Leader was right, they have nothing of use to us.”

“Not having second thoughts, are you?” Kylo asks in a whisper.

Hux narrows his eyes.

Quickly changing the subject, Kylo says, “What do you want to do with the prisoners? They have no real affiliation with the Resistance.”

Hux doesn’t want to worry about them at the moment. Capturing them was merely part of the plan to get the attention of The Supreme Leader.

“I’ll release them when we are out of this system,” Hux says, “We’ll leave a beacon at the settlement to alert any other, um, ‘fruit-traffickers’ that the area has been claimed by the First Order. That should keep most of them away, considering how unwilling they were to put up a fight.”

“I suppose we should prepare for The Supreme Leader’s summons,” Kylo says.

“That would probably be prudent.”

 

They walk out of the hangar and back to their shared room. An anxiety builds in Hux’s chest.

_This is a bad plan. This is a suicidal plan. I’m trusting someone that actually killed himself. I’m trusting someone that killed me. I’m trusting someone that is the apprentice to the most powerful being in the galaxy based solely on his word — and my stupid affection for him._

_He might be planning on turning on me once we get to the Fortress. But, if he had wanted me dead, he wouldn’t have brought me back._

_He must have used a mind trick on me, making me think I was powerful enough to defeat Snoke. I’m not so confident, now. This crystal is powerful, but maybe not_ _powerful enough. If I had a dozen of them, though…_

 

Kylo must have perceived Armitage’s trepidation, because once they are in their quarters, he puts a hand on his arm and says, “You can trust me, I promise. I think The Supreme Leader will underestimate your power, giving you enough of an advantage.”

Armitage takes the violet-orange crystal out of his pocket. This tiny little thing is going to lead to his greatest victory, or to his shameful downfall.

Armitage utters to himself, “And to think I was just going to dump his body on an uninhabited planet.” He says to Kylo, “Although, do you think it could work with anyone — Can we make another crystal with the power this one has?”

“I am not sure, but I don’t think so. I suspect that crystal is unique because of my...attachment to…” Kylo’s trails off like he either doesn’t want to say the name or somehow can't.

_That pilot. Really still hung up on him? Maybe I shouldn’t have shown this to him so soon._

“Hmmm. Do you think we should try it, anyway? You can never have too much power, right?” Armitage says.

“We could try it a thousand more times and never get the same result. The Force wanted this one to be made in the way that it was,” Kylo says. “The Force has reasons for doing things, even if we never understand why.”

“So, you still think that we have been ‘Chosen’ or some such nonsense?” Armitage looks at him as if he would have no problem stabbing him again.

“It’s...not like you’re thinking,” Kylo says. “It’s not like a predestination kind of thing. It more like we happened to fall into the place that the Force wanted someone to fall into. Like, um, like that marble game where you try to get the marble into a certain hole but also keep the marble from falling into the all the other holes. The Force guided us in the direction it wanted, but we have a choice on what we do from here.”

“Even if it isn’t predestination, that still sounds like the Force is controlling everything, and I don’t believe that.” Armitage scoffs at Kylo’s very bad analogy. The marble doesn’t have a choice on where it goes, relying on the skill of the player, particularly if the player has Force powers, there is no other outcome except what the player wants. It is a perfect analogy for Kylo’s own belief, however. Armitage fears he’ll have to tread carefully.

Kylo says, “You can choose to believe that the Force does not have a path for you; you can choose not to follow it. If you do decide to follow it, the Force will show you the way, but you have to accept that it will show you the way.”

He doesn’t sound offended, more like he’s explaining something to a child. Kylo continues, “It’s not going to make you follow it. It’s not controlling you or anything else. It will only guide you. There’s a difference between believing the Will of the Force, and the idea that the Force controls everything. I believe in the Will of the Force.”

Armitage believes in the Force, obviously, but, as it is a force, like wind or gravity, it cannot have a will of its own, “I follow only my own will. I make my own path.”

Kylo doesn't hesitate with his response, “And I will follow you.”

“Good.” Armitage says. He has to be sure that, given the option, Kylo isn’t going choose the Force over him. “One misstep that puts me in danger and I will not hesitate... Understand that.”

“I do.”

Armitage wishes more than ever that he could read minds. When they were separated by half a galaxy he could sense Kylo more clearly than he can now.  After their bond had been broken, it has seemed like there has been not merely a lack of connection but a wall dividing them.

“Our Force connection would be useful for this. Do you know of any way that we can reconnect to each other?”

“I don’t,” Kylo says. He sounds genuine. Then he smiles a bit and says, “Unless you want to take another body part.”

“You’re joking,” Armitage says dismissively, but hopes that he wasn’t; a Force bond would be incredibly helpful for this plan.

“I am," Kylo says.

“It’s not funny,” Armitage grumbles. Kylo looks down at his prosthetic hand, any glee he may have had a moment ago falls from his features like a star from the sky.

“I suppose it isn’t,” he says. He seems to want to be reminded of anguish and pain.

A Dark Side thing, Armitage thinks. As long as it gives him strength in the Force, and will help him destroy Snoke, Armitage would endure Kylo’s brooding. If they are successful in their overthrowing Snoke, however, he would have to insist Kylo find other ways of channeling the Force.

But that is for a later time. He needs to focus on their plan of attack.

“How many of those lightsabers did you confiscate from the planet?” He asks.

“I’m not sure, I was...occupied with other things, maybe a dozen,” Kylo responds

“We’ll bring some. I figure you’ll be better with a saber than a blaster.”

“I should meditate with them, then, to attune them to me. If you plan on using one, you might want to, as well.”

“How long will that take?”

“The longer the better.”

“But first, can you draw a map of Snoke’s fortress, so I can make a tactical plan?” There are no diagrams or blueprints of the Fortress. Armitage doesn’t even know its current location. Snoke has demanded absolute secrecy.  Only his apprentice is privy to even the smallest mote of Snoke's curious arcana. However, even the smallest mote will be helpful.

 

“If it helps, I can still sense you fairly acutely,” Kylo says while drawing a concise holographic map on his datapad.

_As a matter of fact, it doesn’t._

Kylo can sense his thoughts, that means he senses his doubt and apprehension. Senses his suspicion of his loyalties.

“You already told me your doubts about my loyalty. And my sanity. I said I would follow you,” Kylo says, almost like he’s not speaking to him but to the ether,  handing the datapad back to him.

“I guess that’s all I can ask for,” Armitage says. He looks over Kylo’s map. It’s remarkably detailed. “How many guards are there?”

“Usually two on each level.”

“Only two?” Armitage asks. The Fortress is possibly bigger than _The Finalizer_ — he has never seen it, only heard rumors— only two guards per level seems preposterously stupid or preposterously arrogant.

“All of the Fortress’s defenses are on the perimeter and exterior, which is why I suggested having him summon us, giving us an easy way in, rather than attempt a direct attack,” Kylo says.

Armitage would prefer a direct attack; he is better at assessing battlefield situations, strengths, and weaknesses and adjusting strategies on the fly than he is at covert tactics. This plan, while simple, leaves little wiggle room. They have to dispatch the guards and find Snoke; that part won’t be difficult. He has to trust that Kylo is correct in thinking that Snoke will underestimate his Force abilities — he won’t be able to hide his intentions — giving him a splinter of a chance at defeating him. _Exactly_ how to defeat the Supreme Leader once they’ve confronted him is where the unforeseen complications will come into play.

 

 

Kylo has requested that some of the confiscated goods be brought to their quarters so that he could try to attune one or more of the lightsabers to himself. His message has been misunderstood, however, and two stormtroopers now stand at their door with a crate of the Aurilian fruit.

“No, no, no!  The lightsabers. From the underground bunker,” Kylo berates the ‘troopers.  They fidget side to side, unsure what to do with the crate. “Leave that, and go get the sabers!” Kylo orders.

Kylo carries the crate inside. “Your stormtroopers are idiots.”

“Don’t start that again,” Armitage says, not looking up.

He is making notes on Kylo's diagram, accounting for as many contingencies as he can think of.  While there aren’t many guards to account for, the fortress itself is something of a labyrinth. Kylo has assured him that his diagram is accurate, but some passages terminate in dead ends and some rooms are without doors.

He supposes that Kylo could have an eidetic memory for environs, or maybe it’s a peculiarity of the Force. While Armitage has always been excellent at memorizing topography, his own Force abilities have not attuned him to this proclivity any more keenly than before. But, according to Kylo, he experiences the Force differently than other Force sensitives.

“Want to try one?” Kylo says, tossing him a fruit.

“Of course not! I’m trying to plan,” Armitage says, catching it and setting it on the table.

Kylo bites into one of the small, pale-orange fruit.

Armitage admonishes him, “You shouldn’t do that. You said these were psychoactive.”

Kylo wipes some juice from his chin. “They are, but only mildly. I was thinking that they might help me meditate.”

“How do you know? Have you had them before?” Armitage asks.

“Yes,” Kylo says, finishing it off and grabbing another. “I tried one when we confiscated them.”

“You’re the one that’s the idiot,” Armitage says, grinding his fingers into his forehead.

 

———————————————————

 

Kylo sits cross-legged in his empty meditation chamber. A small illuminator on the shelf provides dim, warm light. The only other objects in the room are the two lightsabers he has set in front of him.

He concentrates on his breathing, clearing his mind. Inhales —  drawing the energy from all directions into himself. Exhales — anything that clouds his mind is sent away, dispersing like smoke. As he had guessed, the mild hallucinogenic properties of the Aurilian fruit help him focus and relax. With the added benefit of making him slightly euphoric.

Usually, he would call on the Dark to give him strength whenever tasked with undertaking that would require lethal violence. Correspondingly, he had accumulated items imbued with pain, suffering, fear, and hatred to fuel that Dark energy. One would feed the other. Without his collection, however, the Force energy flows around him and through him unfiltered.

He can feel the raw, pure, unhewn power of the white lightsaber crystals. He has to sharpen and focus that power. Without the immense Dark power that he used to conjure here, he has to start gathering Force energy anew.

He knows now that using only a part of the Force is like using only one offensive strike in combat. Useful to an extent, very potent in a narrow field, but ultimately limiting.

Snoke’s skewed perception of the Force would give them an advantage, a way to slip in between the spaces that Snoke ignored.

But, he isn't sure how to go about charging the sabers with the full, balanced power of the Force. He doesn't have a balanced grasp of it himself.

He hovers his mechanical hand over the sabers, sending his own energy into them, and drawing their energy into himself. Channeling the Force through the wires and servos of his new arm feels clunky and clumsy. As frustrating as trying to write with an off hand. Like the sabers, it is unrefined, and needs to be taught, have its rough parts smoothed and polished, molded into a useful tool.

He sends his energy into the sabers like crackling bolts of electricity; the sabers’ energy float into him like dust motes. So much potential, wild, but at peace. Captivating. Like chasing snowflakes. Not that he had ever chased snowflakes, but he imagines that this is what it feels like. His heart hurts to have to snuff this innocence. But, he will be making them into something greater, something with a purpose. In turn, maybe they will give him a purpose, as well.

 

———————————————

 

Kylo comes out of the chamber a few hours later. There has still been no word from Snoke.

Armitage asks, “It went well?”

Kylo nods his head once. Armitage can see that his eyes are rimmed red. Probably an effect of those Aurilian fruit.

He goes back to his planning.

They won’t know where in the Fortress Snoke will be until they get there, and at that time, Kylo will be able to detect his whereabouts. He claims as much, anyway. _Damn_. There’s that doubt again.

Armitage reminds himself: _This is right thing to do. For the First Order. For my own future. I wish I could trust him more. He’s so unpredictable. I can’t presume that he’ll make a sane decision in a crucial moment.  I can’t even expect him to not eat a strange, mind-altering fruit while on a mission._

Realizing that Kylo isn’t pestering him, he glances up.

Kylo silently lies on the bed, gazing distantly at the ceiling.

Armitage had thought that meditation session was supposed to energize him, but it has apparently drained him. He is about to scold Kylo about taking drugs and meditating when he notices something disconcerting: the force strings around Kylo have fallen slack; some of them even break from him, wilting away.

“Kylo?”

Kylo’s eyes look over to him.

“Everything went well, didn’t it?” Armitage asks.

Kylo’s head jiggles ‘yes’, but something is most certainly not right— more than not right, wrong, in fact.

Kylo looks back to the ceiling. A wistful air shrouds his expression. “Sometimes you have to lose something to gain something.”

 

——————————————

 

As Kylo focused on the sabers in front of him, he felt another presence in the meditation chamber.

“You can’t do this.”

“Snoke is evil. He must be stopped.”

“I won’t side with one evil to eliminate another.”

“Is there anything I can do or say to show you that we are not?”

“No.”

“We are going to do this. Whether you side with us or not.”

“How can you do this?”

“It’s for the good of the Galaxy.”

“Listen to me.” Poe knelt in front of him.“It’s not.”

Kylo couldn’t look at him. “If I was Ben, would you help then?”

“No. Ben would never do this.”

“Why are you here, then? Just to torture me?”

Poe laughed. “Me torture you? You really don’t get it, do you? Do you really think what you are doing is right?”

“It is the Will of the Force.”

“Where did it all go wrong? How can you not see it? Even I know that the Dark Side is deceptive. It’s blinded you.”

“There is no Dark Side, that is the true deception,” Kylo said. He touched one of the sabers. “The Force is the Force. Like a saber is a saber. It is the intention of the wielder that determines if an action is good or evil.”

“So, what would you call destroying an entire system? Or killing your father? Killing someone that loved you? Those are not good actions. Don’t you think it’s possible to have a good intention but commit an evil act?

"Yes, Snoke is evil. The Galaxy would be better off without him. But I can’t help you defeat him for the sake of the First Order.”

Kylo looked at Poe, “Snoke ordered the destruction of the Hosnian system. He told me that killing Han Solo would make me powerful. It was all Snoke’s doing.”

“And what about me? Was that Snoke’s doing?”

Kylo had to look away again. “I was seeking only power then. I know now that is not the path the Force has designed for me. Snoke lied to me. He convinced me that it was true. I suppose I am evil for allowing myself to be convinced. And I can’t repent enough. But I can try to make it right.”

Poe stood, picking up one of the lightsabers. “You are still allowing yourself to believe a false truth. Destroying a wrong with a wrong will not make anything right.”

He lit the white saber. It was so beautiful and pure, Kylo wished Poe would run him through with it so that he could feel something that pure. That saber represented everything he was not, and never would be. This was the Force in it’s purest form.

“You claim to be taking this “middle path” but you still want to twist and manipulate this perfect thing to your will?”

Kylo shook his head, no. No. “No, it’s the Will of the Force.”

“This.” Poe moved the blade in a slow arc. “This is the Will of the Force. Like you said, it’s the wielder that determines his own actions.”

Poe pointed the saber at Kylo’s face, the blade flared red. “It can be easily pushed one way or the other.”

He lifted it, holding it in front of himself; the color shifted to blue. “But, once it’s taken out of its natural state, it’s difficult to get it back to that equilibrium.”

He deactivated the saber and laid it next to the other one.

“So, you’re here to teach me about the Force? I studied it my whole life, but you’re the expert all of a sudden?” Kylo said.

“No, but Ben has told me a few things.”

Kylo scoffed, “Why isn’t he here? Why doesn’t he tell me these things himself?”

“Would you believe him?”

“No. Just as I don’t believe you. And why should I? You wanted to kill me last time.”

Poe walked around behind Kylo, looking curiously at the shelves as if they still had objects on them. “I still want to kill you. Ben pointed out that even if I did, as long as my crystal is in the hands of evil, I would still be a prisoner.  But, at the time, I was too angry to listen to him.”

“I can’t give you the crystal, not now, we need it,” Kylo said, “I can try after, to-”

“You said you don’t trust me. Well, I don’t trust you, either. I’m only here because Ben thinks you can come back.” Poe crossed in front of him.

“Come back where?”

“To the Light.”

“There is no Light — There is no Dark. There is only the Force.”

“And there’s you, and there’s me,“ Poe pointed out.

“It’s bigger than that. More important than us, than any of us, than all of us.” Kylo closed his eyes. Again, he and Poe were at an impasse.

“It’s not." Poe said, "Life created the Force. It is life. It’s not something separate and distant and unknowable. It surrounds us and intertwines us. We are all connected. No one, no thing is more important than another.”

Kylo shook his head. “We can only know what we are capable of knowing. But, sometimes, the Force allows us to know more. The Force has shown me a path, I have to follow it, even if it means leaving behind everything I knew before.”

Kylo opened his eyes to look at Poe, but Poe was gone.

Gone, too, were the lies. Gone were the half-truths. Gone were the misguided thoughts. Gone was the memory of Poe. Kylo knew that Ben had loved Poe, but the only memories he had of him now were Kylo’s (and Kylo Ren’s), only as an enemy. Gone was the memory of ever being Ben Solo.

 

It had to be this way. It was the Will of the Force.

 

——————————————————

 

Kylo now stares at the ceiling.  He knows that something is gone. Something important. He felt it leave him a moment ago, but now that it is no longer there, he can’t put a shape or an emotion to it.

Armitage sits on the side of the bed, puts his hand on Kylo’s metallic hand.

“What did you lose?”

“I don’t know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -sorry if I repeated anything, or if anything contradicted, from previous chapters, I haven’t added to this story in a while, and I don't remember all of what I wrote previously.


End file.
